Jokes

[Olt d.R.]

 

Guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender. Since the minimum wage was increased to $15 the owner had to replace his regular human bartender.

The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini." The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" The guy says," 168." The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology. The guy leaves, but he is curious..So he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini." Again, the robot makes a great martini gives it to the man and says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk about NASCAR, Budweiser and John Deere tractors. The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings him another great martini. The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh, about 50." The robot leans in real close and says, "So, you people still happy you voted for Biden?"

[rwlturtle]

[rwlturtle]

[Cannon Balls]

[Fyodor]

Was steht auf dieser Briefmarke drauf?

[Cannon Balls]

Why is it, when your wife or girlfriend gets pregnant all her friends rub her belly and say “Congratulations” … but nobody rubs your dick and says “Good Job”!

[rwlturtle]

[rwlturtle]

[rwlturtle]

[El Segundo]

A Medal for Horatius 

By Colonel W C Hall, printed in the British Army Journal January 1953

 

Rome, II Calends Aprilius CCCLX
SUBJECT: Recommendation for Senate Medal of Honor

TO: Department of War, Republic of Rome

I. Recommend Caius Horatius, Centurio, I Legion, V Cohors, for the Senate Medal of Honor.

II. Centurio Horatius has served XVI years, all honorable.

III. On the II day of March, during the attack on the city by Lars Porsena of Clusium and his Tuscan Army of CMX men, Centurio Horatius, with Decurio Sporius Laritus and Hastatus Julius Herminius, held the entire Tuscan army at the far end of the bridge, until the structure could be destroyed, thereby saving the city.

IV. Centurio Horatius did valiantly fight and kill one Primus Pilus Picus of Clausium in individual combat.

V. The exemplary courage and the outstanding leadership of Centurio Horatius are in the highest tradition of the Roman Army.

JULIUS ANTINOUS 
Legatus Legionis
Officer Commanding
Legio I Iulia Alpina
-----------

Department of War, G-I
Nones Aprilius CCCLX

TO: G-III

For comment.

G.C.
-----------

Department of War, G-III
Calends Maius CCCLLX

TO: G-II

I. For comment and forwarding.

II. Change end of paragraph III from "saving the city" to "lessened the effectiveness of the enemy attack." The Roman Army was well dispersed tactically; the reserve has not been committed. The phrase as written might be construed to cast aspersions on our fine army.

III. Change paragraph V from "outstanding leadership" to read "commendable initiative." Centurio Horatius's command was II men, only I/IV of a squad.

J.D.
-----------

Department of War, G-III
Ides Junius CCCLX

TO: G-I

I. Omit strength of Tuscan forces in paragraph III. This information is classified.

II. A report evaluated as B-II states that the officer was a Centurio Picus of Tifernum. Recommend change to "an officer of the enemy forces."

J.H.
-----------

Department of War, G-I
Ides, Januarius CCCLXI

TO: Judge Advocat General

I. Full name is Caius Claudius Horatius.

II. Change service from XVI to XV years. One year in Romulus Chapter BPOE, has been given credit for military service in error.

E.J.
-----------

Judge Advocat General
II Martius CCCLXI

TO: G-1

I. The Porsena raid was not during wartime; the temple of Janus was closed.

II. The action against the Porsena raid, ipso facto, was a police action.

III. The Senate Medal of Honor cannot be awarded in peacetime (AB/CVIII-XXV, paragraph XII, C).

IV. Suggest consideration for Soldier's Medal.

P.B.
-----------

Department of War, Commander G-1
Calends Aprilius CCCLXI

TO: G-I

Concur in paragraph IV

L.J.
-----------

Department of War, G-I 
Nones Maius CCCLXI

TO: Legio I Iulia Alpina, S-1

Soldier's medal is given for saving lives; suggest star of bronze as appropriate.

E.J.
-----------

Legio I Iulia Alpina, S-1 
Calends Junius CCCLXI

TO: Judge Advocat General

>For opinion.

G.C.
-----------

Judge Advocat General
Calends September CCCLXI

TO: Legio I Iulia Alpina, S-1

I. XVIII months have elapsed since event described in basic letter. Star of bronze cannot be awarded after XV months have elapsed.

II. Officer is eligible for Papyrus Scroll with Metal Pendant.

P.B.
-----------

Legio I Iulia Alpina, S-1
Calends October CCCLXI

TO: Department of War, G-I

For draft of citation for Papyrus Scroll with Metal Pendant.

P.B.
-----------

Department of War, G-I
Nones October CCCLXI

TO: G-III

I. Do not concur.

II. Our currently fine relations with Tuscany would suffer and current delicate negotiations might be jeopardized if publicity were given to Centurio Horatius' actions at this time.

T.J.
-----------

Department of War, G-III
VI November CCCLXI

TO: G-I

A report rated D-IV, partially verified, states that Lars Porsena is very sensitive about the Horatius affair.

E.T.
-----------

Department of War, G-I 
X November CCCLXI

TO: Legio I Iulia Alpina, Officer Commanding

I. In view of information contained in preceding XI and XIII the endorsements, you will prepare immediate orders of Centurio C. C. Horatius to one of our overseas stations (most remote -- Caledonia ? ).

II. His attention will be directed to paragraph XII, POM, which prohibits interviews or conversations with newsmen prior to arrival at final destination.

L.T.

-----------

Rome 
Calends Aprilius CCCLXII

SUBJECT: Survey, Report of, Department of War

TO: Centurio Caius Caius Horatius, Legio I Iulia Alpina, V Cohors, APO XIX, C/O Postmaster, Rome.

I. Your statements concerning the loss of your shield and sword in the Tiber River of III March CCCLX have been carefully considered.

II. It is admitted that you were briefly in action against certain unfriendly elements on that day. However, Decurio Sporius Laritus and Hastatus Julius Herminius were in the same action and did not lose any government property.

III. The Finance Officer has been directed to reduce your next pay by II-I/IV talents (I-III/IV talents cost on each sword, officers; III/IV talent cost of one each shield, M-II).

IV. You are enjoined and admonished to pay strict attention to conservation of government funds and property. The budget must be balanced next year.

H. MARCUS AURELIUS
Beneficiarius
Procuratio servitium
Department of War

[rwlturtle]

[mwe]

[rwlturtle]

[Cannon Balls]

[rwlturtle]

[Balu der Bär]

 

[El Segundo]

[Cannon Balls]

ACETAMINOPHEN

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.

Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen.

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of ‘cocktails,” ’’highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink."

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research

This means that by 2025 there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[mwe]

[El Segundo]

"

[rwlturtle]

[El Segundo]

A Labour politician, a BBC TV reporter and a British SAS soldier were captured by ISIS...

They were, as usual, sentenced to death by beheading.
Unexpectedly, the ISIS leader said they could have one last request before their sentence was carried out...

The Labour politician asked to hear a rendering of "Keep the Red Flag Flying Here".

The BBC TV reporter asked that the beheading be videotaped so that even when he was dead, his face was still on TV.

The British SAS soldier asked to be kicked three times in the arse.

As the SAS soldiers request was unusual, ISIS decided to carry his request out first.
As the kick landed, the SAS soldier pulled a hidden 9mm Glock pistol out of his smock, shot three terrorists dead.
He then grabbed one of the fallen terrorists AK47s and killed the rest of the terrorists.

The other two prisoners were amazed, and asked why he requested to be kicked three times before he drew his weapon.

"Because" said the soldier "When we get back to the UK, I don't want you fucking pair of politically correct clowns saying it was an "unprovoked attack"..

[El Segundo]

Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station: “What is her height?”
Husband: “Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall"

Sergeant: “Weight?”
Husband: “Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.”

Sergeant: “Colour of eyes?”
Husband: “Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed."

Sergeant: “Colour of hair?”
Husband: “Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.”

Sergeant: “What was she wearing?”
Husband: “Could have been jeans, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.”

Sergeant: “What kind of car did she go in?"
Husband: “She went in my Audi”

Sergeant: “What kind of Audi was it?”
Husband: (sobbing)
“Audi S8 Black Edition, Advance Virtual Cockpit, 360° cameras, Bang & Olufsen Speaks, Ambient Lighting pack, Front heated seats, Valcona leather - Lunar silver + super sport seats, 3 spoke heated sports leather multifunction steering wheel with paddle shift, LED Matrix headlights with high beam assist, Pearlescent paint, Audi drive select, Audi parking system plus with front and rear sensors, Audible and visual fasten seat belt warning - front and rear, Cruise control, Driver's information system, MMI SD card Navigation, Mobile telephone preparation, PAS, Service interval indicator, 3 point seatbelts on all seats, ABS-EBD, ASR traction control, Curtain airbags, Driver and passenger airbags, Driver-front passenger side airbags, Electromechanical parking brake, Electronic stability control, Front passenger airbag deactivation, Hill hold assist, Tyre pressure monitoring system, Warning triangle and first aid kit, Anti theft alarm, Anti-theft wheel bolts, Immobiliser, Keyless Start, Remote central locking, Audi music interface, Auxiliary input socket, DAB digital radio module, MMI Radio with Apple CarPlay & Android Auto, SD card slot, USB connection, 12V power in rear centre console, 4 way electric lumbar support, 4 zone climate control, Aluminium door sill trims, Black cloth headlining, Double cargo floor, Electric front seats + driver memory, Front centre armrest, Front head restraints, Front-rear floor mats, Height adjustable front seats, Isofix front passenger and rear seat preparation, Jack and tool kit, Perforated leather gearknob, Rear headrests, Split folding rear seat, Auto dimming rear view mirror, Automatic headlights + automatic windscreen wipers, Body coloured bumpers, Body coloured door mirrors and handles, Body coloured roof spoiler, Door sill trims with S line logo, Electric front-rear windows, Headlight washers, High gloss black door mirrors, High gloss black finish B pillar, High gloss black triangular aperture at rear door, LED daytime running lights, LED rear lights, Light sensor, Platinum grey front lip spoiler, Privacy glass (to rear of B post), Rain sensor, Rear wiper, Alcantara door trim, Piano black finish inlay, Space saver spare wheel, Black Styling Pack, Non smoking pack, 20" Custom Alloy wheels with spinners”

(At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full cry.)

Sergeant: “Don't worry Sir. We'll find your Audi”

[JuppW]

Hunter: "It turns out, 'Fox News' has no actual coverage of foxes."

Cougar: "I was also disappointed by BBC news."

[El Segundo]