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El Segundo

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  1. a bit long, but worth reading to the end... Political Correctness in the Battle of Trafalgar, Oct. 1805 Adm. Nelson: "All ships clear for action, but keep the gun ports shut and crew out of sight. Order the signal, Captain Hardy." Cpt. Hardy: "Aye, aye Sir." Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?" Hardy: "Sorry Sir?" Nelson (reading aloud): "' England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?" Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, Sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist." Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco." Hardy: "Sorry Sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments." Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle." Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking." Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with the battle ........... full speed ahead." Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water." Nelson: "Damn it, man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please." Hardy: "That won't be possible, Sir." Nelson: "What?" Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, Sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected." Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy." Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck, Admiral." Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd." Hardy: "Health and Safety again, Sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled." Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card." Hardy: "Actually, Sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency." Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons." Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, Sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?" Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Open gun ports, break out the cannons and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy." Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral." Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!" Hardy: "It's not that, Sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks." Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?" Hardy: "Actually, Sir, we're not." Nelson: "We're not?" Hardy: "No, Sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation." Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil." Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that Sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report." Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King." Hardy: "Not any more, Sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life..." Nelson: "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?" Hardy: "As I explained, Sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment." Nelson: "What about sodomy?" Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, Sir." Nelson: "In that case.......................... bend over, Hardy."
  2. A shark is teaching his kid how to eat humans and he says "look son, first you swim full force at the human but at the last second, you turn away. Then you swim at him full force again, but again at the last second you swim away. Then you can go back and eat the human." The son looks confused and asks, "But dad, why can't we just go eat the human the first time?" Dad replies "Well, you can, but why would you want to eat him when he's still full of shit?"
  3. "What's the secret to your happy marriage?" The future son in law asks his future father in law. He replies: "Well son, I took my new wife to the Grand canyon for our honeymoon. We rented mules to go down into the canyon. About a ¼ mile later her mule stepped into a hole on the trail and almost threw her. She whispered into it's ear "that's one". About a mile down the trail the mule stepped on a rock and again almost threw her. She whispered into it's ear "that's two". About ¾ mile in the mule tripper over a branch in the trail and my bride was thown to the ground. She got up, grabbed her .38 and shot the mule in the head. In horror I looked at her and said "Sweetheart, what the hell did you do that for?!" She just looked at me and quietly said "that's one". That was our last argument. We've been happy ever since."
  4. Grandpa is dying and calls his grandson to his bed, "Billy, I leave for you my chrome-plated .38 revolver." "But Grandpa, I don't like guns. How about you leave me your gold Rolex watch instead?" "Billy, listen to your old man. Someday you have to run my business. Someday you're gonna come home and maybe find your beautiful wife in bed with another man. What will you do then? Point your Rolex watch at him and say "Time's up"?
  5. Shortly after President Bush took office, an old veteran approached the White House from the park across Pennsylvania Ave. where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the US Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton." The marine looked at the vet and said, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here." The old vet said, "Okay," and walked away. The following day, the same vet approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton." The marine again told the vet, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here." The vet thanked him and, again, just walked away. The third day, the same vet approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine saying, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton." The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the vet and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row that you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Clinton and I've already told you that Mr. Clinton is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?" The old vet looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it." The marine snapped to attention, saluted and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir!"
  6. Two guys are driving through Alabama when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, “Why’d you do that?” The trooper answers, “You’re in Alabama, son. When I pull you over you’ll have your license ready.” Driver says, “I’m sorry, officer, I’m not from around here.” The trooper runs a check on the guy’s license, and he’s clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick. The passenger says, “What’d you do that for?” The cop respond, “Just making your wishes come true.” The passenger says, “Huh?” The cop says, “I know that two miles down the road you’re gonna say, “I wish that jerk would’ve tried that shit with me.”
  7. Why Rednecks make good Marines „Dear Ma & Pa: Am well. Hope you are too. Tell brother Walt & brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Mitchell by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt & Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, they git warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc..., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other regular food. But tell Walt & Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys gets sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Captn is like the school board. Majors & Colonels just ride around & frown. They don't bother you none. This next will kill Walt & Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Be sure to tell Walt & Elmer to hurry & join before other fellers get into this setup & come stampeding in the Corps. Your loving daughter, Gail“
  8. Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’ Husband goes to a police station... “My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...” Sergeant at Police Station: “What is her height?” Husband: “Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall" Sergeant: “Weight?” Husband: “Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.” Sergeant: “Colour of eyes?” Husband: “Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed." Sergeant: “Colour of hair?” Husband: “Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.” Sergeant: “What was she wearing?” Husband: “Could have been jeans, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.” Sergeant: “What kind of car did she go in?" Husband: “She went in my Audi” Sergeant: “What kind of Audi was it?” Husband: (sobbing) “Audi S8 Black Edition, Advance Virtual Cockpit, 360° cameras, Bang & Olufsen Speaks, Ambient Lighting pack, Front heated seats, Valcona leather - Lunar silver + super sport seats, 3 spoke heated sports leather multifunction steering wheel with paddle shift, LED Matrix headlights with high beam assist, Pearlescent paint, Audi drive select, Audi parking system plus with front and rear sensors, Audible and visual fasten seat belt warning - front and rear, Cruise control, Driver's information system, MMI SD card Navigation, Mobile telephone preparation, PAS, Service interval indicator, 3 point seatbelts on all seats, ABS-EBD, ASR traction control, Curtain airbags, Driver and passenger airbags, Driver-front passenger side airbags, Electromechanical parking brake, Electronic stability control, Front passenger airbag deactivation, Hill hold assist, Tyre pressure monitoring system, Warning triangle and first aid kit, Anti theft alarm, Anti-theft wheel bolts, Immobiliser, Keyless Start, Remote central locking, Audi music interface, Auxiliary input socket, DAB digital radio module, MMI Radio with Apple CarPlay & Android Auto, SD card slot, USB connection, 12V power in rear centre console, 4 way electric lumbar support, 4 zone climate control, Aluminium door sill trims, Black cloth headlining, Double cargo floor, Electric front seats + driver memory, Front centre armrest, Front head restraints, Front-rear floor mats, Height adjustable front seats, Isofix front passenger and rear seat preparation, Jack and tool kit, Perforated leather gearknob, Rear headrests, Split folding rear seat, Auto dimming rear view mirror, Automatic headlights + automatic windscreen wipers, Body coloured bumpers, Body coloured door mirrors and handles, Body coloured roof spoiler, Door sill trims with S line logo, Electric front-rear windows, Headlight washers, High gloss black door mirrors, High gloss black finish B pillar, High gloss black triangular aperture at rear door, LED daytime running lights, LED rear lights, Light sensor, Platinum grey front lip spoiler, Privacy glass (to rear of B post), Rain sensor, Rear wiper, Alcantara door trim, Piano black finish inlay, Space saver spare wheel, Black Styling Pack, Non smoking pack, 20" Custom Alloy wheels with spinners” (At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full cry.) Sergeant: “Don't worry Sir. We'll find your Audi”
  9. A Labour politician, a BBC TV reporter and a British SAS soldier were captured by ISIS... They were, as usual, sentenced to death by beheading. Unexpectedly, the ISIS leader said they could have one last request before their sentence was carried out... The Labour politician asked to hear a rendering of "Keep the Red Flag Flying Here". The BBC TV reporter asked that the beheading be videotaped so that even when he was dead, his face was still on TV. The British SAS soldier asked to be kicked three times in the arse. As the SAS soldiers request was unusual, ISIS decided to carry his request out first. As the kick landed, the SAS soldier pulled a hidden 9mm Glock pistol out of his smock, shot three terrorists dead. He then grabbed one of the fallen terrorists AK47s and killed the rest of the terrorists. The other two prisoners were amazed, and asked why he requested to be kicked three times before he drew his weapon. "Because" said the soldier "When we get back to the UK, I don't want you fucking pair of politically correct clowns saying it was an "unprovoked attack"..
  10. A Medal for Horatius By Colonel W C Hall, printed in the British Army Journal January 1953 Rome, II Calends Aprilius CCCLX SUBJECT: Recommendation for Senate Medal of Honor TO: Department of War, Republic of Rome I. Recommend Caius Horatius, Centurio, I Legion, V Cohors, for the Senate Medal of Honor. II. Centurio Horatius has served XVI years, all honorable. III. On the II day of March, during the attack on the city by Lars Porsena of Clusium and his Tuscan Army of CMX men, Centurio Horatius, with Decurio Sporius Laritus and Hastatus Julius Herminius, held the entire Tuscan army at the far end of the bridge, until the structure could be destroyed, thereby saving the city. IV. Centurio Horatius did valiantly fight and kill one Primus Pilus Picus of Clausium in individual combat. V. The exemplary courage and the outstanding leadership of Centurio Horatius are in the highest tradition of the Roman Army. JULIUS ANTINOUS Legatus Legionis Officer Commanding Legio I Iulia Alpina ----------- Department of War, G-I Nones Aprilius CCCLX TO: G-III For comment. G.C. ----------- Department of War, G-III Calends Maius CCCLLX TO: G-II I. For comment and forwarding. II. Change end of paragraph III from "saving the city" to "lessened the effectiveness of the enemy attack." The Roman Army was well dispersed tactically; the reserve has not been committed. The phrase as written might be construed to cast aspersions on our fine army. III. Change paragraph V from "outstanding leadership" to read "commendable initiative." Centurio Horatius's command was II men, only I/IV of a squad. J.D. ----------- Department of War, G-III Ides Junius CCCLX TO: G-I I. Omit strength of Tuscan forces in paragraph III. This information is classified. II. A report evaluated as B-II states that the officer was a Centurio Picus of Tifernum. Recommend change to "an officer of the enemy forces." J.H. ----------- Department of War, G-I Ides, Januarius CCCLXI TO: Judge Advocat General I. Full name is Caius Claudius Horatius. II. Change service from XVI to XV years. One year in Romulus Chapter BPOE, has been given credit for military service in error. E.J. ----------- Judge Advocat General II Martius CCCLXI TO: G-1 I. The Porsena raid was not during wartime; the temple of Janus was closed. II. The action against the Porsena raid, ipso facto, was a police action. III. The Senate Medal of Honor cannot be awarded in peacetime (AB/CVIII-XXV, paragraph XII, C). IV. Suggest consideration for Soldier's Medal. P.B. ----------- Department of War, Commander G-1 Calends Aprilius CCCLXI TO: G-I Concur in paragraph IV L.J. ----------- Department of War, G-I Nones Maius CCCLXI TO: Legio I Iulia Alpina, S-1 Soldier's medal is given for saving lives; suggest star of bronze as appropriate. E.J. ----------- Legio I Iulia Alpina, S-1 Calends Junius CCCLXI TO: Judge Advocat General >For opinion. G.C. ----------- Judge Advocat General Calends September CCCLXI TO: Legio I Iulia Alpina, S-1 I. XVIII months have elapsed since event described in basic letter. Star of bronze cannot be awarded after XV months have elapsed. II. Officer is eligible for Papyrus Scroll with Metal Pendant. P.B. ----------- Legio I Iulia Alpina, S-1 Calends October CCCLXI TO: Department of War, G-I For draft of citation for Papyrus Scroll with Metal Pendant. P.B. ----------- Department of War, G-I Nones October CCCLXI TO: G-III I. Do not concur. II. Our currently fine relations with Tuscany would suffer and current delicate negotiations might be jeopardized if publicity were given to Centurio Horatius' actions at this time. T.J. ----------- Department of War, G-III VI November CCCLXI TO: G-I A report rated D-IV, partially verified, states that Lars Porsena is very sensitive about the Horatius affair. E.T. ----------- Department of War, G-I X November CCCLXI TO: Legio I Iulia Alpina, Officer Commanding I. In view of information contained in preceding XI and XIII the endorsements, you will prepare immediate orders of Centurio C. C. Horatius to one of our overseas stations (most remote -- Caledonia ? ). II. His attention will be directed to paragraph XII, POM, which prohibits interviews or conversations with newsmen prior to arrival at final destination. L.T. ----------- Rome Calends Aprilius CCCLXII SUBJECT: Survey, Report of, Department of War TO: Centurio Caius Caius Horatius, Legio I Iulia Alpina, V Cohors, APO XIX, C/O Postmaster, Rome. I. Your statements concerning the loss of your shield and sword in the Tiber River of III March CCCLX have been carefully considered. II. It is admitted that you were briefly in action against certain unfriendly elements on that day. However, Decurio Sporius Laritus and Hastatus Julius Herminius were in the same action and did not lose any government property. III. The Finance Officer has been directed to reduce your next pay by II-I/IV talents (I-III/IV talents cost on each sword, officers; III/IV talent cost of one each shield, M-II). IV. You are enjoined and admonished to pay strict attention to conservation of government funds and property. The budget must be balanced next year. H. MARCUS AURELIUS Beneficiarius Procuratio servitium Department of War
  11. Von sich aus macht die Behörde gar nichts. Stammdatenblatt musst Du anfordern (am besten per Email) - bei mir kam die Antwort innerhalb von 2 Arbeitstagen. Grüße
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