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El Segundo

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Everything posted by El Segundo

  1. Hallo, abnehmbare Bügel seitlich am Schaft montieren Hersteller Uncle Mikes MO 112, gibts u.a. bei Amazon für kleines Geld
  2. The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish. In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c." Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like fotograf" 20 persent shorter. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go. By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by " v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru
  3. Einfach dort nachfragen: http://berlin.mae.ro/ Grüße
  4. Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie doll in the window?" In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00." Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?" "That's obvious," the saleslady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."
  5. Wife: "How would you describe me?" Husband: " A B C D E F G H I J K ." Wife: "What does that mean?" Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot." Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about I J K?" Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
  6. How do you tell the difference between an Australian Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer? QUESTION:You’re a policeman, on duty by yourself. You are walking on a deserted street late at night. Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you and screaming something that sounds like obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you. You are carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you What do you do? ANSWERS: Australian Police Officer: Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights. 1) Does the man look poor and/or oppressed? 2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law? 3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger? 4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? 5) Am I dressed provocatively? 6) Could I run away? 7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand? 8 ) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings? 9) Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society? 10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me? 11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me? 12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself? 13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home? Australian Police Officer: BANG ! American Police Officer: BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! 'Click'...Reload... BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! Glasgow Police Officer: "Haw, Jimmie....! Drop the wee knifie reet this minute noo, unless ye want it stuck up yer arse!"
  7. Shortly after President Bush took office, an old veteran approached the White House from the park across Pennsylvania Ave. where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the US Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton." The marine looked at the vet and said, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here." The old vet said, "Okay," and walked away. The following day, the same vet approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton." The marine again told the vet, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here." The vet thanked him and, again, just walked away. The third day, the same vet approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine saying, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton." The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the vet and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row that you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Clinton and I've already told you that Mr. Clinton is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?" The old vet looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it." The marine snapped to attention, saluted and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir!"
  8. A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit."
  9. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common: they should both be changed regularly… and for the same reason.
  10. John gets pulled over on the highway for speeding... John: "Is there a problem officer?" Cop: "You exceeded 80 in 55 zone. May I see your license?" John: "Ahhhh, why don't I spare you the trouble, officer? I don't have a license, so I shouldn't be driving this car that I jacked from this dude I just killed. The gun I used is right here in the glove box and his body is in that trunk" Cop: "Holy shit!" The cop contacts his PD and in moments there are more cops everywhere. The chief of police steps up. Chief: "Sir, may I see your license?" John: "Sure" - John had his license. Chief: "May I see the vehicle's owner registration?" John: "Sure" - It was his car. Chief: "Could you open your glove box?" John: "Sure" - There were no weapon... Chief: "Could you pop open your trunk?" John: "Be my guest" - There were no bodies in the trunk. Chief: "Sorry to put you through this, but the officer who called me said you were driving without a license, you had stolen the car, you had a gun in the glove box, and the owner's dead body in the trunk" John: "Yeah, I bet that lying son of a bitch also told you that I was speeding..."
  11. Aber sind gem Anlage 2 Abschnitt 2 Unterabschnitt 2 Nr. 1.8 Armbrüste nicht wieder von der WBK-Pflicht ausgenommen?
  12. Hi, 

    du trittst den falschen Hund.?

     

    Ich habe die Ausschreibung nicht erstellt, sondern lediglich das übermittelte PDF auf meiner Seite veröffentlicht.

     

    Ich habe das Dokument auf der Web-Seite korrigiert, und der ewige Meckerer (honni soit qui mal y pense) hat sich je bisher noch nicht angemeldet?.

     

    Grüße

    Peter

  13. http://www.rwd-mb3.de/ftechnik/pages/mzg64.htm
  14. A little old Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. "Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy." "Oh, I'll let my husband Jacob know as soon as I get home," said the little old Amish lady. "That's fine," said the officer. "Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!" Later that day, the little old Amish lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. "Well, what exactly did he say?" said the husband. "He said the reflector is broken." "I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" "I'm not sure," said the little old Amish lady, "something about the emergency brake...."
  15. A rookie highway patrol officer stopped a car for speeding. The driver asked, "Gee officer can't you just give me a warning"? The officer said,"Sure". He stepped back, drew his .357 magnum and fired a shot across the hood of the car. "Anything else?" said the rookie.
  16. A policeman was interrogating 3 blonde ladies who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it."This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his PROFILE." Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?" Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds "...think hard before giving me a stupid answer." The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer... wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?" "That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
  17. A Highway Police officer pulls a Marine Corps Gunnery Sergeant over for speeding and has the following exchange: Officer: May I see your driver's license? Marine Corps Gunnery: I don't have one. It was suspended when I got my 5th DUI. Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle? Gunny: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen? Gunny: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove compartment when I was putting my pistol in there. Officer: There's a gun in the glove box? Gunny: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car, and stuffed her in the trunk. Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?! Gunny: Yes, Sir. Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police cruisers, and the police captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation: Captain: Sir, can I see your license? Gunny: Sure. Here it is. It was valid. Captain: Whose car is this? Gunny: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration. The driver owned the car. Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it? Gunny: Yes, Sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove compartment. Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it. Gunny: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body. Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said, you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk. Gunny: Yeah, and I'll bet the liar said that I was speeding, too.
  18. A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC , when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.' The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.' The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?' The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.' The journalist leaves. The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page: U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
  19. Last week a California man, by the name of Fred Hinkle, had been put under 24-hour psychiatric observation. What had he done? Police found that he had over 75 guns and about a half a million rounds of ammunition stored in his locked-up garage. A roving reporter was heard to say: "Gee! Freddy has half a million machine gun bullets!" A local paper, the Aubern Gazette, ran the headline: "Massive Weapons Cache in Aubern County". By Californian standards a man in possession of even 100,000 rounds would be called "mentally unstable". If Fred lived in Arizona, he'd be described "an avid gun collector." In Oklahoma, he'd be passed off as "a novice gun collector". In Utah, he'd be called "moderately well prepared", but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food. In Idaho, they would refer to Fred as: "a likely gubernatorial candidate". In Wyoming, he'd be hailed as "an eligible bachelor". But in Texas, Fred would be just "a Hunting Buddy" .........
  20. The phone rings at FBI headquarters. 'Hello?' 'Hello, is this FBI?' 'Yes. What can I do for you?' 'I'm calling to report my neighbour Graham. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood.' 'This will be noted.' Next day, the FBI visit Graham's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, curse Graham and leave. The phone then rings at Graham's house. 'Hey, Graham! Did the FBI come?' 'Yeah, they did.' 'Did they chop your firewood?' 'Yep, every piece.' 'Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden dug.'
  21. found on Strategy Page
  22. Shortly after President Bush took office, an old veteran approached the White House from the park across Pennsylvania Ave. where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the US Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton." The marine looked at the vet and said, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here." The old vet said, "Okay," and walked away. The following day, the same vet approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton." The marine again told the vet, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here." The vet thanked him and, again, just walked away. The third day, the same vet approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine saying, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton." The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the vet and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row that you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Clinton and I've already told you that Mr. Clinton is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?" The old vet looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it." The marine snapped to attention, saluted and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir!" found on Strategy Page
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