Jokes

[rwlturtle]

[El Segundo]

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred

language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations,

Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year

phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish.

 

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c." Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy.

Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

 

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f".

This will make words like fotograf" 20 persent shorter.

 

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated

changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent

to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

 

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by " v".

 

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid

to ozer kombinations of leters.

 

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

 

Ze drem vil finali kum tru

[Proud NRA Member]

vor 7 Stunden schrieb El Segundo:

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c." Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy.

Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

Norwegian does it that way: For example, the business district of a city would be the "sentrum". (No joke, but it feels like one when I'm visiting there.)

[grayson]

The funny part ist:

vor 13 Stunden schrieb El Segundo:

The European Union commissioners [...]

in conjunction with

vor 13 Stunden schrieb El Segundo:

Her Majesty's Government

What has Her Majesty's Government to do with the EU? I thought they left?

 

P.S.: EuroEnglish is at least slightly easier to spell than modern-day Denglish (i.e. German infested with an unnatural amount of english phrases, whenever possible used in unappropriate context. Can especially be found among salespeople and marketing-related professions, but only if said people don't really know how to speak and/or write proper English)

[Balu der Bär]

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very,
very, closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"

[Josef Maier]

Wessex was named after the Saxons who settled in the west. 

Essex after the Saxons who settled in the east. 

Sussex was named for the Saxons who settled in the south. 

There was only one generation of Saxons who settled in the north.

[rwlturtle]

[rwlturtle]

[mwe]

[Shiva]

[Shiva]

[Josef Maier]

Remembering a really old one:

Teacher at school: 

John, how does the cow say? - Moo.

David, how does the sheep say? - Baa.

Leroy, how does the pig say? - Freeze, N*****! (Self - censorship).

[rwlturtle]

[rwlturtle]

[rwlturtle]

[Boule]

[rwlturtle]

[rwlturtle]

[mwe]

[mwe]

[rwlturtle]

[rwlturtle]

[mwe]

[mwe]

 

 

[grayson]