Jokes

[rwlturtle]

[rwlturtle]

[rwlturtle]

[rwlturtle]

[rwlturtle]

[rwlturtle]

[Olt d.R.]

My wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we
came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"

He just ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

 

I called him an "a**hole." He glared at me and started writing another
ticket for having worn-out tires.

 

So my wife called him a "s*ithead." He finished the second ticket and put it
on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets.

 

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets
he wrote. He finally finished, sneered at us and walked away. Just then our
bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.

 

We always look for cars with Bernie Sanders stickers. We try to have a
little fun each day now that we're retired. It's so important at our age!!

[rwlturtle]

[Michael BK]

A good looking lady and a fine gentleman sit in the same train compartment from Edinburgh to London.

The lady is reading a newspaper while the gentleman is leafing through a man's magazine.

After reading the magazine, he asks the lady:

"Would you like my Playboy?"

"No, i have my Times"

[rwlturtle]

[rwlturtle]

[Michael BK]

[rwlturtle]

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[rwlturtle]

[El Segundo]

John gets pulled over on the highway for speeding...

John: "Is there a problem officer?"
Cop: "You exceeded 80 in 55 zone. May I see your license?"
John: "Ahhhh, why don't I spare you the trouble, officer?

         I don't have a license, so I shouldn't be driving this car that I jacked from this dude I just killed.

         The gun I used is right here in the glove box and his body is in that trunk"
Cop: "Holy shit!"
The cop contacts his PD and in moments there are more cops everywhere. The chief of police steps up.

Chief: "Sir, may I see your license?"
John: "Sure"   -   John had his license.

Chief: "May I see the vehicle's owner registration?"
John: "Sure"  -  It was his car.

Chief: "Could you open your glove box?"
John: "Sure"  -  There were no weapon...

Chief: "Could you pop open your trunk?"
John: "Be my guest"  -  There were no bodies in the trunk.

Chief: "Sorry to put you through this, but the officer who called me said you were driving without a license, you had stolen the car,

           you had a gun in the glove box, and the owner's dead body in the trunk"

John: "Yeah, I bet that lying son of a bitch also told you that I was speeding..."

[El Segundo]

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common: they should both be changed regularly… and for the same reason.😈

[El Segundo]

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism.

Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government.

We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people.

The nanny, we'll consider her the working class.

And your baby brother, we'll call him the future.

Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."

 

The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

 

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit."

[rwlturtle]

[El Segundo]

Shortly after President Bush took office, an old veteran approached the White House from the park across Pennsylvania Ave. where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the US Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton."

The marine looked at the vet and said, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here." The old vet said, "Okay," and walked away.

 

The following day, the same vet approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton."

The marine again told the vet, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here." The vet thanked him and, again, just walked away.

 

The third day, the same vet approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine saying, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the vet and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row that you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Clinton and I've already told you that Mr. Clinton is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

 

The old vet looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The marine snapped to attention, saluted and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir!"

[black_friday]

Am 8.11.2019 um 13:01 schrieb El Segundo:

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism.

Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government.

We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people.

The nanny, we'll consider her the working class.

And your baby brother, we'll call him the future.

Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."

 

The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

 

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit."

"Yes", answered the dad. "And when it's up to the people to care about the future it does not feel responsible."

[El Segundo]

How do you tell the difference between an Australian Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer?

QUESTION:You’re a policeman, on duty by yourself. You are walking on a deserted street late at night.
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you and screaming something that sounds like obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.
You are carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you What do you do?

ANSWERS:

Australian Police Officer:
Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.
1) Does the man look poor and/or oppressed?
2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?
3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?
4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
5) Am I dressed provocatively?
6) Could I run away?
7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand?
8 ) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings?
9) Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society?
10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me?
11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?
12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself?
13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?

Australian Police Officer:
BANG !

American Police Officer:
BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !
'Click'...Reload...
BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !

Glasgow Police Officer:
"Haw, Jimmie....! Drop the wee knifie reet this minute noo, unless ye want it stuck up yer arse!"

Bearbeitet 9. November 2019 von El Segundo

[mwe]

Der zweite war wohl der Kanadier.

 

PS:

Oh, sorry, translation: I assume, the second officer was the Canadian.

PPS:

Why did the American police officer only have 12 rounds in his gun?

Bearbeitet 9. November 2019 von mwe

[mwe]

Am 6.9.2019 um 17:58 schrieb rwlturtle:

Doctors bury their mistakes. For electricians, it's the other way around.