Jokes

[Gast]

vor 13 Stunden schrieb El Segundo:

Last week a California man, by the name of Fred Hinkle, had been put under 24-hour psychiatric observation.  What had he done? 

Police found that he had over 75 guns and about a half a million rounds of ammunition stored in his locked-up garage.

 

I'll pass it to my TN friend.

[El Segundo]

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC , when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'
The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the
front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'
The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.' The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

[El Segundo]

A Highway Police officer pulls a Marine Corps Gunnery Sergeant over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Marine Corps Gunnery: I don't have one. It was suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?
Gunny: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?
Gunny: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove compartment when I was putting my pistol in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Gunny: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car,  and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!
Gunny: Yes, Sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police cruisers, and the police captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Gunny: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Whose car is this?
Gunny: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Gunny: Yes, Sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove compartment.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Gunny: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said, you told him you didn't have a license,
stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Gunny: Yeah, and I'll bet the liar said that I was speeding, too.

[rwlturtle]

[El Segundo]

[El Segundo]

[El Segundo]

[Gast]

I think, we have a denser element: Merkelium.

 

Pelosium:

A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the densest element yet known to science. The new element has been named
Pelosium. Pelosium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass
of 311.
These particles are held together by dark forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
The symbol of Pelosium is PU. pee-yew
Pelosium’s mass actually increases over time, as morons randomly interact with various elements in the atmosphere and become assistant deputy neutrons
within the Pelosium molecule, leading to the formation of isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to believe that
Pelosium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.
When catalyzed with money, Pelosium activates CNNadnausium, an element that radiates orders of magnitude more energy, albeit as incoherent noise,
since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons as Pelosium. And it is rumored that another new element, Max Waterium is composed entirely of dark matter.
From Breitbart.

[El Segundo]

A policeman was interrogating 3 blonde ladies who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect,

he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it."This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his PROFILE."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!!

Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

 

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
He quickly adds "...think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses."

 

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...

wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his

computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

 

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
 

[El Segundo]

A rookie highway patrol officer stopped a car for speeding.
The driver asked, "Gee officer can't you just give me a warning"?
The officer said,"Sure".
He stepped back, drew his .357 magnum and fired a shot across the hood of the car.
"Anything else?" said the rookie.

[El Segundo]

A little old Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.
"Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."
"Oh, I'll let my husband Jacob know as soon as I get home," said the little old Amish lady.

 

"That's fine," said the officer. "Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and

around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!"

Later that day, the little old Amish lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.
"Well, what exactly did he say?" said the husband.
"He said the reflector is broken." "I can fix that in two minutes. What else?"
"I'm not sure," said the little old Amish lady, "something about the emergency brake...."
 

[Computerfritze]

[rwlturtle]

[rwlturtle]

[mwe]

[Gast]

Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live.
Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?'
Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please .. just one more time before I die?'
She says, 'Of course, dear.' And they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.
Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps hi s wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could maybe ....?'
At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning, you don't.'
 

[Harry Callahan]

A man seeking to join a south Texas sheriffs dept. is being
 interviewed.
 
The Sergeant doing the interview says, "Your
 qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude
 suitability test that you must take before you can be
 accepted." Then, sliding a service pistol across the
 desk, he says, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot
 six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists,
 six liberal democrats and a rabbit."
 "Why the rabbit?"
 
"That's the attitude we want," says the
 Sergeant. "When can you start?"

[rwlturtle]

[mwe]

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