Jokes

[Shiva]

vor einer Stunde schrieb mwe:

Why did the American police officer only have 12 rounds in his gun?

He has a proper gun. Caliber .45acp with 12 rounds double stack mag.

[mwe]

[El Segundo]

Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: " A B C D E F G H I J K ."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about  I J K?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

[El Segundo]

Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present.

He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie doll in the window?"

In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?"

She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95,

Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."

Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"

"That's obvious," the saleslady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."

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Her Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn’t say much. I asked him what was wrong and he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior. I don’t know why he didn’t say, ‘I love you too.’

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But, I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep – I cried.

I don’t know what to do. I am almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.






His Diary:

Motorcycle won’t start… can’t figure out why.

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[Guest]

So God brings Donald Trump, Wladimir Putin and Bill Gates to his office and says

 "Men, I've decided to bring an end to the world this Thursday -- I

 want you to go back and tell your people."

 Upon his return, Trump holds a press conference and says "People of

 America, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that all

 these years we've been saying 'one nation under God' we've been right

 -- there is a God. The bad news is he is destroying the world on

Thursday."

Putin makes an announcement to the Russian people and say "Brave

comrades, I have bad news and bad news. The first bad news is that

we've been wrong all these years -- there really is a God. The other

bad news is he is going to destroy the world on Thursday."

 

Bill Gates calls a board meeting of Microsoft. "I have good news and

good news!" he tells them. "The first good news is that God called a

meeting of the three people he thinks are the most important in the

world and I was one of them. The other good news is that LINUX stops

shipping on Thursday."

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