Jokes

[JuergenG]

I knew Slick Willy was a cheapskate

[Gast]

Three Black Men, Naked

At the National Art Gallery, in Dublin, Ireland, a couple was staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted three black men, totally naked,sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black penises but the one in the middle had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of the black man in a predominately white, patriarchal society. In fact, he pointed out, some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.
After the curator left, an Irish man approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about'?
'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery' asked the husband.
'Because I'm the man who painted it' he replied.

'In fact, there are no black men depicted at all.

They're just three Irish coal miners.

The guy in the middle went home for lunch'!

[Gast]

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump go into a bakery.
As soon as they enter the bakery, Hillary steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket.
She says to Donald, "See how clever I am? The owner didn't see anything and I don't even need to lie.” I will definitely win the election.
Then Donald says to Hillary, "That's the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."
Donald... goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick." Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. Trump swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then Donald asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.
The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the pastries?" Trump replies, "Look in Hillary's pocket".

[Gast]

A preacher was riding his bicycle through the neighborhood and came across a young boy sitting by the curb. Next to him was a lawnmower with a for sale sign.

The preacher stopped to look and asked the boy what he was going to do with the money he got for the lawnmower. The boy replied he was going to buy a bicycle. The preacher said he needed a lawnmower more than a bicycle would he consider trading?

The boy looked over the bicycle and agreed to trade.

About a week later the boy was out riding and saw the preacher sitting next to the lawnmower with a for sale sign. The boy asked the preacher why he was selling the mower. The preacher said the mower wouldn't run but the boy replied that it ran well. The preacher said he couldn't get it started. The boy said you just have to give it a good cussin' while pulling the rope.

The preacher replied he had forgotten all those words since he'd started preaching. The boy replied that when he started pulling that damn rope he'd remember every one of them!

[Gast]

Larry lived by the river. His house was on low ground, but it was protected by a levee that kept the river in check. Once, though, there were severe storms upriver that made the river rise well above its normal levels. In fact, eventually the levee broke, causing widespread flooding.

Poor Larry's house was almost completely under water. He climbed onto the roof, where he was safe for the moment. After a while, a man in a boat came by. He said, "You're lucky I passed this way! Hop in and I'll take you to shore!" Larry replied "No need--the Lord will protect me." So the man in the boat left.

The river kept rising. Before long, Larry had to stand on the peak of his roof to stay out of the water. Another boatman came by and offered help, but again Larry said "Don't worry about me--the Lord will protect me." So this boat, too, went away.

After another few hours, Larry was not only standing on the peak of his roof, but the water was up to his neck. He was spotted by the pilot of a helicopter passing by, and they lowered him a rope. Larry refused it, saying "Thanks, but I don't need any help--the Lord will protect me."

Shortly thereafter the water level rose over Larry's head and he drowned.

When he arrived at the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter greeted him: "Larry! Good to see you--we've been expecting you!" Larry was mad: "Don't gimme that! Get the Lord out here NOW! I want to talk to him!" When the Lord appeared, Larry said "Look--I had faith in you! I thought you would save me, yet here I am. What's up with that?" To which the Lord replied, "I don't know what you wanted me to do, Larry. I sent you two boats and a helicopter."
 

[Joe Sniper]

What does American beer and having intercourse in a canoe have in common?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Both are fucking close to water.

Bearbeitet 28. Oktober 2016 von Joe Sniper

[Gast]

Hope this gets your week off to a good start! During the service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for prayers, which had been answered.
A lady stood up and came forward.
She said, “I have a reason to thank the Lord.”
“Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.”
“The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”
You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.
She continued, “Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain.”
“We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation.”
“They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim’s scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.”
Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.
She continued, “Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”
All the men sighed with relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.
A man rose and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, “I’m Jim and I would like to tell my beautiful blonde wife, the word is “sternum.”

[Gast]

Two nurses are sitting around in the break room talking about how a baby was born last night without eye Lids.
Nurse 1: Yeah, I don't know what the Doc is going to do.
Nurse 2: I have never heard of that before.
Just then another nurse walks in and overhears the conversation.
Nurse 3: I just can't help myself. I overheard and the doc should use the Foreskin!
N1: Really?
N2: That just might work.
The 2 nurses mention this idea to the Doc and that night, the Surgery was performed.

After the surgery the Doc lets the parents know the good news.
Doc: Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, You can see your son Now.
Dad: That's great news.
Mom: Oh, thank god!
Doc: The surgery was a success, he's a little cockeyed, but recovering nicely.

[Gast]

Two nuns were going in to town on their bicycles, and decided to take a new route, cutting through some older neighborhoods with cobblestone streets.
One nun commented "I've never come this way before".
The other nun answered "Must be the cobblestones".

[Gast]

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM on the following day.
The next day at 8:45 AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up.
The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place.
At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.
The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

 

[Gast]

BBC News - Suicide Bombers Go On Strike!
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-week strike on Wednesday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife.
Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Aloud Bang told the press, "Our members are literally
working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the groin".
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, Al Qaeda chief executive Aisheet Mapants explained, "I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in
a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."
Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are so few virgins in their Areas anyway.
According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of American Democrat Hillary Clinton. Many Muslim Jihadists , after seeing a picture of her, believe she must be a virgin, and have reconsidered their benefit
package.

[mwe]

Here is a guide to the points system women have devised:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed .............................................+1

You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.... 0

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...................-1

You leave the toilet seat up..................................-5

You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty............ 0

When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1

When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom...........-2

You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings.....+5

in the snow.............................................. .....+8

but return with beer..........................................-5

and no liners............................................ ....-25

You check out a suspicious noise at night..................... 0

You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing............ 0

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something..........+5

You pummel it with a six iron................................+10

It's her cat............................................... ..-40


AT THE PARTY

You stay by her side the entire party............ 0

You stay by her side for a while, then

leave to chat with a College drinking buddy......-2

Named Tiffany....................................-4

Tiffany is a dancer..............................-10

With breast implants.........! ....................-18


HER BIRTHDAY

You remember her birthday................................0

You buy a card and flowers...............................0

You take her out to dinner.............................. 0

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar....+1

Okay, it is a sports bar................................-2

And it's all-you-can-eat night..........................-3

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your

face is painted the colors of your favorite team.......-10


A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

Go with a pal.......................................0

The pal is happily married..........................+1

The pal is single...................................-7

He drives a Ferrari.................................-10

With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED)........-15



A NIGHT OUT WITH HER

You take her to a movie...............+2

You take her to a movie she likes..! ...+4

You take her to a movie you hate......+6

You take her to a movie you like......-2

It's called Death Cop 3...............-3

Which features Cyborgs that eat humans....-9

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.....-15


YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable pot belly................-15

You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it...+10

You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose

jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts...........................-30

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.".................-800


THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"

You hesitate in responding......................-10

You reply, "Where?".............................-35

You reply, "No, I think it's your ass".........-100

Any other response..............................-20



COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem:

You listen, displaying a concerned _expression....................0

You listen, for over 30 minutes..................................+5

You relate to her problem and share a similar experience........+50

You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying
"well,

what do you think I should do"...........................-50

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV..+100

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep............-200

[mwe]

 

 

 

 

[Gast]

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him,

"If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?"

Johnny says, "None."

The teacher asks, "Why?"

Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off."

The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking."

Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?"

The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream."

Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

[Gast]

Do not be racist; be like Mario.

He's an Italian plumber,

who was made by the Japanese,

speaks English,

looks like a Mexican,

jumps like a black man,

and grabs coins like a Jew! -

[Gast]

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

[rwlturtle]

The Porch

---

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house & asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "how much will you charge me?"

Delighted the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed & told her that the paint & brushes & everything she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."

A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it 2 coats."

Impressed the man reached into his pocket for the $50 & handed it to her along w/ a $10 tip.

"Thank you," the blonde said, "and by the way, it's not a Porch it's a Lexus."

[rwlturtle]

[rwlturtle]

[rwlturtle]

[EkelAlfred]

 

[rwlturtle]

A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Once she’s done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

She enters the living room, sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

“Hi Darling” he says. “Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?”

[rwlturtle]

A couple was doing last-minute shopping on Christmas Eve.
Walking through the very crowded mall the wife looked up and noticed her husband was nowhere around. She became very upset because they had a lot to do.
She used her cell phone to call her husband to ask where he was.
The husband, in a calm voice, said, "Honey, remember the jewelry store we went into five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife, with a tear in her eye, said, "Yes, I remember".
Husband: "Well, I'm in the bar next to that jewelry store."

[rwlturtle]

Bob was in trouble on Thursday. He forgot his silver wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed off.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
drive that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the drive, although somewhat smaller than expected.

The wife put on her bathrobe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found brand new bathroom scales.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

[rwlturtle]

A Kentucky State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway.
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer?'
The trooper asks: 'What are you doing?'
The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine.'
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: 'And her, what is she doing?'
The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.'
Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane... And nothing obscene is happening!
The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man?'
The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir.'
The trooper asks: 'And her.... what's her age?'
The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.