Jokes

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[El Segundo]

Why Rednecks make good Marines

 

„Dear Ma & Pa:

Am well. Hope you are too. Tell brother Walt & brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Mitchell by a mile.
Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.

 

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt & Elmer all you do before breakfast
is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, they git warm water.

 

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc..., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie,
and other regular food. But tell Walt & Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you
till noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

 

We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different.
A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys gets sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice,
but awful flat.

The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Captn is like the school board. Majors & Colonels just ride around & frown. They don't bother you none.

 

This next will kill Walt & Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk
and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even
load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Be sure to tell Walt & Elmer to hurry & join before other fellers get into this setup & come stampeding in the Corps.

 

Your loving daughter, Gail“

 

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[El Segundo]

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[El Segundo]

Two guys are driving through Alabama when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick,

the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.
 

The driver says, “Why’d you do that?”
The trooper answers, “You’re in Alabama, son. When I pull you over you’ll have your license ready.”
Driver says, “I’m sorry, officer, I’m not from around here.”
 

The trooper runs a check on the guy’s license, and he’s clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window.
The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.
 

The passenger says, “What’d you do that for?”
The cop respond, “Just making your wishes come true.”
The passenger says, “Huh?”

The cop says, “I know that two miles down the road you’re gonna say, “I wish that jerk would’ve tried that shit with me.”

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[El Segundo]

Shortly after President Bush took office, an old veteran approached the White House from the park across Pennsylvania Ave. where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the US Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton."

 

The marine looked at the vet and said, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here." The old vet said, "Okay," and walked away.

 

The following day, the same vet approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton."

The marine again told the vet, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here." The vet thanked him and, again, just walked away.

 

The third day, the same vet approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine saying, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the vet and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row that you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Clinton and I've already told you that Mr. Clinton is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

 

The old vet looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The marine snapped to attention, saluted and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir!"

 

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[Cannon Balls]

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[mwe]

[El Segundo]

Grandpa is dying and calls his grandson to his bed, "Billy, I leave for you my chrome-plated .38 revolver."

"But Grandpa, I don't like guns. How about you leave me your gold Rolex watch instead?"

"Billy, listen to your old man. Someday you have to run my business. Someday you're gonna come home

and maybe find your beautiful wife in bed with another man.
What will you do then? Point your Rolex watch at him and say "Time's up"?

[El Segundo]

"What's the secret to your happy marriage?"

The future son in law asks his future father in law.
He replies:
"Well son, I took my new wife to the Grand canyon for our honeymoon. We rented mules to go down into the canyon. About a ¼ mile later her mule stepped into a hole on the trail and almost threw her. She whispered into it's ear "that's one".
About a  mile down the trail the mule stepped on a rock and again almost threw her. She whispered into it's ear "that's two".
About ¾ mile in the mule tripper over a branch in the trail and my bride was thown to the ground. She got up, grabbed her .38 and shot the mule in the head.
In horror I looked at her and said "Sweetheart, what the hell did you do that for?!"
She just looked at me and quietly said "that's one".

That was our last argument.

We've been happy ever since."