Jokes

[JuergenG]

Twas the Night Before Inauguration!

 

Twas the night before Inauguration, and up in the tower,

The Donald reflected on his newfound power.

The conservative masses had come out in force,

And delivered a victory that would chart a new course.

 

The snowflakes were shell-shocked with tears in their eyes,

The media lied to them . . . What a surprise.

They had been promised a Hillary win,

But the criminal Clinton took one on the chin.

 

And though from all corners celebrities flew,

They made no impression, for they hadn’t a clue.

They talked about climate, racism, and such,

And they made up good stories . . . But didn’t know much.

 

The fake news and ignorance came at a cost,

And they can’t understand all the reasons they lost.

They blame it on Comey and Bernie and Vlad,

But fail to acknowledge the one that was bad.

 

Yes, Hillary Clinton, in many ways flawed,

Was her own biggest hurdle toward getting the nod.

The campaign exposed her corruptness and greed,

And her speeches were punch-less as ten dollar weed.

 

So out in the streets there arose such a clatter,

It was Soros-paid protestors and Black Lives Matter.

With cities to pillage and windows to smash,

They knew not the issues, but needed the cash.

 

Eight years of Obama had given them cause,

To expect a replacement of their Santa Claus.

But soon the protestors will feel the pain,

When the wheels fall off of the old gravy train.

 

And now all the snowflakes are riddled with fear,

Upset and offended by things that they’ll hear.

The cocoa and crayons will help for a while,

But fact-based opinions will soon cramp their style.

 

I originally supported, and voted, for Cruz,

In the end, I would vote for whoever they choose.

He wasn’t my first choice, but soon I would cede,

The one they call Trump is the one that we need.

 

I saw him on TV in front of a crowd,

He spoke about veterans, it made me feel proud.

He spoke about energy, safety, and jobs,

Taking this country back from the Washington snobs.

 

He was dressed in Armani, all tailored and neat,

And the Brunos he wore made the outfit complete.

For a man of his vintage, he seemed rather fit,

And he looked presidential, I have to admit.

 

His eyes glowed like embers, his smile was the best,

And his hair was the color of my old hunting vest.

His love for this country was on full display,

And his actions spoke louder than his words could say.

 

He thanked all his voters, and before he was gone,

Saved thousands of jobs while Obama looked on.

The fate of this country left nothing to chance,

So, he filled out his cabinet weeks in advance.

 

The men he had chosen were of the same mind,

Let’s set the bar high, and not lead from behind.

He picked up his phone as he rose from his seat,

With a flick of his finger, he sent out this tweet;

 

“Now Mattis!, now Kelly!’ now Sessions! And Pruitt!

On Perry! On Flynn, You’re the ones who can do it.

Start lifting restrictions and building the wall,

Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!”;

 

The roar of his audience rose from the stands,

He kissed all their babies and shook all their hands.

He answered their questions and calmed all their fears,

They knew it would be a fantastic four years.

Then he jumped in his limo, and off to his jet,

 

A fellow that Liberals won’t soon forget.

He sent one more tweet as the evening expired;

“Happy Inauguration to all,

AND OBAMA – YOU’RE FIRED!”

[rwlturtle]

[Gast]

When asked about what he thinks about General "Mad Dog" Mattis being confirmed for Secretary of Defense, Rob O’Neill (the man who killed Bin Laden) said “General Mattis has a bear rug in his home; but it’s not dead, it’s just afraid to move”.

[Gast]

The Irish pilot

---

An elderly WWII veteran pilot was speaking in the parish church about some of his wartime experiences flying Spitfires in the RAF.

"The Jar-mans had a fine ahr-farce and arh situation was really tough. I ra-member", he continues, "One day ah was escartin' th' bombers back from Jarmany, and suddenly, outa thah clouds, a group of these Fokkers appeared."

A few gasps escape from the parishoners, and a couple of children giggle.

"I looked up, and sher enough, here come a couple of them Fokkers straight at me. I pulled up and started shootin' at one a' them, but thah other Fokker got around behind me."

By now, several of the ladies had embarrassed looks, the little girls were still giggling and the boys were trying to cover their laughs.

The pastor finally stands and says, "I think it's impartant to rahmember that Fokker was a Jarman-Dutch ahrcraft company that produced many planes far the Jarman Air Farce."

"Aye, tis true enough," replies the old man. "But these Fokkers was flyin' Messerschmitts."

[Gast]

No, ist not a joke, ist a mail I wrote to a common friend of Pancho Lobo and me. I post it here because I am not in the mood to translate it.

 

 Hello Mike ,
 If you believe, things couldn't get worse, they will getting much worser.

I told you about the dead waterfowl with possible birdflu I found in our premises last friday and placedit, properly packed, on top of an ammunition bunker to prevent the fox get it and how we tried to get rid of it, according our veterinarian regulations.
Yesterday a found out that we have a new regulation from our Military veterinarians. First we thought it was a fools day joke.
I have to examine the bird by myself. They will send me a set of sampling  sticks to poke it into the front entrance and the rear entrance of poor dead Dodo and send the sample to an institute in Kiel to check for H5N8 viruses.  And then give poor Dodo a military funeral in the trashcan. My two garrison sergeants would act as nurses for my
assistance, hand me a swab and foreceps and remove the sweat from my forehead. Thank God we don't  need an anestetist for this procedure.
Can you imagine that?
In 1983 I sat on the button of 9 Nuke Missiles at the legendary Able Archer  exercise that almost turned into a nuklear nightmare and now I have to  insert swabs into Dodos ass until it turns brown.
Help me God, I am to old for that shit.
Cheers
Wolf , the future Coroner of ...barracks

[Gast]

I was shaving the other day and I noticed I was getting a pimple on my forehead, a little strange I thought as I am nearly 70 years old. The next day while shaving I thought the bump had gotten bigger. I wondered if I was going through puberty again. Then the next day my wife mentioned it and by golly it was even bigger." You need to see your Dermatologist" she said but I blew it off. Buy the end of the week it had grown out more and I made an appointment.
My Doc did a prolonged examine and finally said,"This condition is so rare I have never seen it before, in fact it is so rare it is hardly taught any more." "Is it cancer I asked? "No" he replied, you are actually growing a second Penis from the middle of your forehead, it truly is a very rare condition."
I said " You mean Doc, every morning when I look in the mirror I will see a second Penis hanging down my forehead?"
"Oh no" he said, you won't see any thing, your balls will be covering your eyes!"

[Gast]

Son calls home from college and during the call asks, "How is my cat Fluffy?"
Dad replies, "Fluffy fell off the roof and died."
Son, "Wow, that is hard to take. Couldn't you have eased me into the bad news? Couldn't you have said, 'Fluffy is playing on the roof. Then wait a bit and tell me Fluffy fell from the roof and was hurt. Then wait a moment more and say, 'Fluffy is hurt very badly and it doesn't look good. Then tell how the vet says there isn't anything more they can do. And finally that Fluffy has passed?"
Dad, "So sorry, I didn't realize it would be so hard on you."
Son, "Okay so lets move on. So how is Gramma doing?"
Dad, "She is playing on the roof."

[rwlturtle]

[Gast]

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out and relax! I mean, no sex since 1955! Come with me."
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his grizzled bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
 

[Gast]

Why I am always in trouble:

I am a high school dean. This morning before first bell a student ask me to cut off a lock because she lost her key. I do so and as I am returning to my office I see the football coach, the head principal, and what I took to be a sub heading my way. As I draw near the principal asks " what are you doing dean"?

Here's where it goes south: My first thoughts are of Bill Engvall's "Heres Your Sign" bit. I think the better of it.. "sorta".. I look to see if the massive bolt cutter I am carrying has suddenly transformed into an unrecognizable object...nope.. so I reply "I'm making new sopranos for the chorus". The football coach spits out his coffee, the sub looks mortified, and the principal is giving me that look I give to the wisenheimers I deal with in my office.

I get an email around noon from the principal's secretary explaining that the "sub" was one of the grand poobahs from the county school board and that the principal would like to see me in the morning

[rwlturtle]

[rwlturtle]

[rwlturtle]

[Gast]

It was 3AM on a Saturday morn as Hank an avid hunter awoke raring to go bag the 1st deer of the season.
He showered ,dressed and walked into the kitchen , to his surprise finds his wife Julie dressed head to toe in camo sipping coffee.
Hank smiling asks "What are you up too"?
Julie smiles "I'm going deer hunting with you "!
With many unspoken reservations Hank reluctantly agrees.
They arrive at the deer camp a couple hours later and Hank sits his lovely wife in a deer stand and tells her ,
" If you see a deer take careful aim and shoot him, I'll hear the shot and come running back".
He walks away with a smile knowing Julie couldn't bag an elephant much less a deer.
Hank gets settled in his stand , ten minutes goes by and Hank hears an array of shots, Quickly he starts running back.
As he gets closer to her stand he hears Julie screaming "Get the @#$% away from my deer!"
Now within sight of where he left his wife Hank is surprised to see a Texas Game Warden with his hands held high in the air.
The game warden obviously distraught yelled
"OK Lady you can have your "deer" just let me get my saddle off him".

[rwlturtle]

[rwlturtle]

[Gast]

While strolling round the Harbor this morning about 7 am, I noticed a character shouting "Allah be praised" and "Death to all infidels" and suddenly he tripped and fell into the water.
He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was carrying. If he didn't get help he would surely drown.
Being a responsible citizen, and abiding by the law of the land that requires you to help those in distress, I informed the Police, Coast Guard, Immigration Office and even the Fire Dept.
It is now 11 am, the terrorist has drowned, and none of the authorities have yet to respond.
I'm starting to think... did I waste four stamps?

[Fyodor]

EVIL!  

[Gast]

The Cowboy
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.
'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'
'Couple of minutes ago.'

[rwlturtle]

[El Segundo]

 

Shortly after President Bush took office, an old veteran approached the White House from the park across Pennsylvania Ave. where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the US Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton."

The marine looked at the vet and said, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here." The old vet said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same vet approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton."

The marine again told the vet, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here." The vet thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same vet approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine saying, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the vet and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row that you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Clinton and I've already told you that Mr. Clinton is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old vet looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The marine snapped to attention, saluted and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir!"

 

found on Strategy Page

[rwlturtle]

[El Segundo]

 

found on Strategy Page

[El Segundo]

The phone rings at FBI headquarters. 'Hello?'

'Hello, is this FBI?'
'Yes. What can I do for you?'

'I'm calling to report my neighbour Graham. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood.'
'This will be noted.'

Next day, the FBI visit Graham's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, curse Graham and leave.

The phone then rings at Graham's house. 'Hey, Graham! Did the FBI come?'
'Yeah, they did.'

'Did they chop your firewood?'
'Yep, every piece.'

'Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden dug.'

[El Segundo]

Last week a California man, by the name of Fred Hinkle, had been put under 24-hour psychiatric observation.  What had he done? 

Police found that he had over 75 guns and about a half a million rounds of ammunition stored in his locked-up garage.

 

A roving reporter was heard to say:  "Gee! Freddy has half a million machine gun bullets!" 

A local paper, the Aubern Gazette, ran the headline: "Massive Weapons Cache in Aubern County".

• By Californian standards a man in possession of even 100,000 rounds would be called "mentally unstable".
• If Fred lived in Arizona, he'd be described "an avid gun collector."
• In Oklahoma, he'd be passed off as "a novice gun collector".
• In Utah, he'd be called "moderately well prepared", but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.
• In Idaho, they would refer to Fred as: "a likely gubernatorial candidate".
• In Wyoming, he'd be hailed as "an eligible bachelor".
• But in Texas, Fred would be just "a Hunting Buddy" .........