Jokes

[Gast]

A man is about to enter a meeting at work when he realizes that he forgot some important paperwork.

He calls home so that his wife can retrieve them.

The maid answers the phone and says that his wife is busy.

He demands that the maid put his wife on the phone.

The maid informs the man that his wife is in bed with the gardener.

The man goes nuts, and offers the maid one million dollars to shoot them both.

The maid agrees and he soon hears two gunshots.

The maid returns to the phone and he asks her what happened.

The maid says she shot his wife in bed and the gardener ran, so she shot him by the pool.

The man says, "Pool??? Is this 555-4320???"

[Gast]

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

[rwlturtle]

[rwlturtle]

[Computerfritze]

[Computerfritze]

[Gast]

Teacher: What is the value of Pi?
Student: Depending on what pie. Usually is $12.99

[Gast]

Five out of six people agree that Russian Roulette is safe.

[Gast]

Jill goes home one night with a guy she met at a club. He's tall, super hot, and seems different than most guys she meets.

They arrive at his place and head straight to his room. Jill can't help but notice a shelf full of teddy bears.

On the bottom are small teddy bears, on the middle are medium-sized teddy bears, and finally, on the top are large teddy bears, all lined up beside each other.

She begins to think that he is sentimental and sweet, and isn't afraid to show it.

Her heart melts and she want to give him the best night of his life.

She gives him a bl*wjob, and lets him really give it to her, and even takes it in the rear!

In the morning, she slowly gets dressed, and smiles at him and asks, "How was that?"

He nods and says, "Not too f*ckin' bad at all. Help yourself to a prize on the second shelf!"

[Gast]

There's a man walking a tight rope 60 feet above ground.

There's another man getting a bl*wjob from a 60 year old woman.

What are they both thinking at the exact same time?

Don't look down, don't look down, don't look down, don't look down!

[rwlturtle]

[rwlturtle]

[Gast]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
 

[rwlturtle]

[mwe]

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[JuergenG]

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, “Are you okay?” As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for…

“I’m okay I think,” I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

...

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

“That’s nice of you,” I answered, “but I don’t think my wife will like me doing that!”

“Oh, come now, I’m a nurse,” she insisted. “I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly.”

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, “I’m sure my wife won’t like this.”

We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, “I feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I’d better go now.”

“Don’t be silly!” she said with a smile while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. “Stay for a while. She won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?”

“Still in the ditch with my Harley, I’d guess.”

[rwlturtle]

[rwlturtle]

[rwlturtle]

[rwlturtle]

An Indian Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in US so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100


A American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic...
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste"
Indian : "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth"
Lawyer: "Ugh..this is kerosene"
Indian: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20"
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money...
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything"
Indian: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth"
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste"
Indian : "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20"
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all "
Indian : "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100"
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100"
Indian : "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"

[rwlturtle]

[Computerfritze]