Jokes

[Gast]

This is straight from Scotland. Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.
The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk. The question was worth 70 points or none at all.
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

He got an A.

[mwe]

[Gast]

Ahhhh - I don't get it

[pancho lobo]

hi pal,

translate the words in german: with every thing = mit allem ODER aus allem, mwe is it right?

greet u all old wolf

[mwe]

hi pal,

translate the words in german: with every thing = mit allem ODER aus allem, mwe is it right?

greet u all old wolf

Dalai Lama in the pizza shop (in the joke): "Can you make me one with everything?"

This has two possible meanings:

1. Can you make me a pizza with all ingredients? (Können Sie mir eine Pizza mit allem drum und dran machen?)

2. Can you unify me with every thing? (Können Sie mich mit allem vereinen?)

But it's even more funny that the Dalai Lama does not understand the joke and both laugh because he doesn't understand.

Bearbeitet 13. Juli 2015 von mwe

[Gast]

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, Are you going to San Diego?

Sure, she answered the man, do you need a lift?

Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to
the San Diego Zoo. They are a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me ?
I will give you $100 for your trouble.

I'd be happy to,said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went. Five hours
later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!

There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he
pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

What the heck are you doing here? he demanded, I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!

Yes, I know you did, said the blonde, but we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World.

[Gast]

Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Mick. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of bandages and began putting a bandage as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty bandage box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, “You were drunk again last night weren’t you?”

Paddy said, “Why you say such a mean thing?”

“Well,” Kathleen said, “it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, or it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly it’s all those bandages stuck on the hall mirror.”

[Gast]

HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

God went to the Arabs and said,

'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'

The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'

And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'

'Can you give us an example?'

'Thou shall not kill.'

'Not kill? We're not interested..'

So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,

'Honor thy Father and Mother.'

'Father? We don't know who our fathers are.

We're not interested.'

Then He went to the Mexicans and said,

'I have Commandments.'

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'

'Not steal? We're not interested.'

Then He went to the French and said,

'I have Commandments.'

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'

'Sacre bleu! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'

Finally, He went to the Jews and said,

'I have Commandments..'

'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'

'They're free.'

'We'll take 10.'

[Gast]

So, I was walking through the mall and I saw that there was a "Muslim Book Store."

I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore so I went in.
As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me.

I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?"

The clerk said, "F--- off, get out and stay out!"

I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in Paperback?

[JuergenG]

Hilarious!

[Gast]

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair.....kill her!!!" The man said “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife”.

The agent said, “Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home".

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can’t kill my wife."

The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes, so take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.

Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.

“This gun is loaded with blanks”, she said. “I had to kill him with the chair.”

[Gast]

Special Forces of the world:

http://imgur.com/gallery/4HgrgDN

[Gast]

.

[mwe]

A bit small (the writing, not her equipment). I suppose: "THIS RIDE is going to be fun!"

Bearbeitet 8. September 2015 von mwe

[OldHand]

Hand in hand, hand in it, it in hand, it in it.

[Gast]

The guys were at the deer camp. They had 2 bunks to a room. No one wanted to room with Fred because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time , so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept in the room with Fred came to breakfast with his hair all a mess and his eyes bloodshot.
The guys asked "what happened to you?"
He said "Fred snored so loudly I didn't get a single minute of sleep, I just sat up all night and watched him."
The next night a different guy stayed the night in the room with Fred
and the next morning he too came to breakfast all disheveled and eyes bloodshot.
When asked he said "Man that Fred raised the roof last night, I didn't sleep a wink , he kept me up so I just set there all night and watched him.
The 3rd night it was Darryl's turn, Darryl was a big burly ex football player , a mans man.
The next morning he came to breakfast all bright eyed and bushytailed. "Good morning" he said.
They couldn't believe it and in unison said "well what happened?"
He said " Well we got ready for bed, I went and tucked him in and kissed him goodnight, he sat up all night and watched me.

[Gast]

The Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small farmer was not
paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.
Agent: "I need a list of your employees , and how much you pay them."
Farmer: "Well , there's my hired hand who's been with me for three years now. I pay him $200 a week and room and board.
Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.
He makes about $10 a week , pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life,
He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
Agent: "That's the guy I want to talk to, the mentally challenged one."
Farmer: "That would be me."

[Gast]

Bob was driving home from one of his business trips, in Northern Arizona , when he saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the Indian got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Bob tried - in vain - to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo man. The old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Bob.
"What in bag?" asked the old man.
Bob looked down at the brown bag and said: "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife."
The Navajo man was silent for another moment or two. Then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said:

"Good trade . . ..."

[Gast]

Don, an elderly man in Texas , had a large farm with a big pond in the backyard for several years .
The pond was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up with picnic tables, BBQ pits, a horse shoe pit and citrus trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down and check on the swimming hole because he hadn't been down there in awhile .
He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring some fruit back with .
As he neared the pond he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond '
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pool.
One of the women shouted to him " We're not coming out until you leave"
Don frowned "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked"
Don held the five gallon bucket high "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Some old guys can think fast.........

[pancho lobo]

hi pal,

U make my day!!

[Gast]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to beautiful woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The women said "How strange, I just ordered a glass of champagne as well!"

"What a coincidence," said the farmer who added "It is a special day for me and I am celebrating."

"It is a special day for me too and I am celebrating" said the woman.

"What a coincidence" said the farmer.

While they toasted, the man ask: "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynecologist told me I am pregnant!"

"What a coincidence!" said the farmer, "I am a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs."

"This is awesome" said the lady,"What did you do to for your chickens to become fertile?"

"I used a different rooster" the farmer said.

The women smiled and said "What a coincidence."

[Gast]

Definitely a blonde moment

[Gast]

An attorney arrived home late , after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution,
his last minute plea for clemency to the Governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about "What time of night to be getting home is this?
Where have you been? Your dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it"
And on and on
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a good shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub,
pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath the phone rang, the wife answered and was told her husbands client James Wright had been granted a stay of execution after all.
James Wright would not be hung tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the door she was greeted by the sight of her husband bent over naked drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight" she said
"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP"?

[Gast]

Husband and Wife Christmas Shopping
A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.
The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all
choked up…
"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.
"Well I am in the bar next to that."

[Gast]

Back on January 9th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . .why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . .and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.