Jokes

[Gast]

The Irish angler:
The rain was pouring down. And there standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub, was an old Irish man, drenched, holding a stick with a piece of string dangling in the water.
A passerby stopped and asked "What are you doing?"" Fishing replied the old man."
Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says "Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me."
In the warmth of the pub as they sip their whiskeys the Gentleman cannot resist asking, "So how many have you caught today?"
Says the old man: " You're the eighth!"

[Gast]

A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you? The girl replied, in a loud voice "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking; I bet you felt embarrassed, right?"

The man responded in a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ..... I`M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!"

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The man whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".

[Balutzo]

A Somalian arrives in Berlin, Germany as an immigrant.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says

'Thank you Mr. Germany for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!'

The passer-by says, 'You are mistaken, I am Afgani!'

The man goes on and encounters another passer-by.

'Thank you for having such beautiful country here in Germany !'

The person says, 'I not German, I Iraqi!'

The new arrival walks further and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful Germany !

That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Pakistan , I am not from Germany !'

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you an German?'

She says, 'No, I am from India !'

Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Germans ?'

The Indian lady checks her watch and says 'Probably at work'

[Gast]

Military secrets: http://www.doyletics.com/tidbits/militaryadvice.pdf

[Gast]

Definitely a blonde moment

Not that blonde, I'd say

Try to hack that bitch of a password!

@EBR: Co-pilot checklist --> the perfect end of this :D

Bearbeitet 12. März 2016 von Gast

[Gast]

A businessman in the first class cabin decided to chat up the drop dead,
gorgeous flight attendant:

What is your name?

Flight Attendant: Angela Benz, sir

Businessman: Lovely name ... any relation to Mercedes Benz?

Flight Attendant: Yes sir, very close

Businessman: How close?

Flight Attendant: Same price

[Gast]

In Corpus Christi Texas the other day there was a bumper sticker on a parked car that read "I Miss Chicago"

Someone had broken the side windows out, stolen the radio, the tires and the engine, shot holes in the windshield & radiator,

jumped up and down on the roof, peed on the front seat, took a dump in the rear, added an Obama & Black Lives Matter bumper sticker,

and left a note on the steering wheel that read

"I hope this helps!!"

[Gast]

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact:
" Marion ... Marion "
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.
I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"
"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"
"No...........I'm a rabbit in Arizona

[Gast]

A German asks a Mexican if they have any Jews in Mexico.

The Mexican says, “Sí, we have orange jews, apple jews, and grape jews!”

Why did I get divorced?

Well, last week was my birthday.

My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday.

My parents forgot and so did my kids.

I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday.

As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!"

I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch.

After lunch, she invited me to her apartment.

We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?"

"Okay," I said.

She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling,

"SURPRISE!!!"

while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

[Gast]

An old man takes his grandson fishing in a local pond one day.

After 20 minutes of fishing, the old man fires up a cigar.

The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?"

The old man asks, "Son, can your d*ck touch your asshole?"

The young boy says no. "Then u can't have a cigar."

Another 20 minutes passes, and the old man opens a beer.

The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?"

The old man asks, "Son, can your d*ck touch your asshole?"

The young boy says no. "Well, then u can't have a beer."

Another 20 minutes passes, and the young boy opens a bag of potato chips.

The old man asks, "Son, can I have some of your chips?"

The boy asks, "Well, Grandpa, can your d*ck touch your asshole?"

The old man says, "It sure can."

The boy says, "Well good, then go f*ck yourself, these are my chips."

[Gast]

Bob & Zeke were out hunting one day when they come across a small clearing with a hole in the ground.
Bob- Hey Zeke looky at that hole there.
Zeke- Yeah and look how deep it is.
Bob- How deep you reckon it is to the bottom?
Zeke- Beats me, can't see the bottom.
Bob- Tell you what, let's find something to chuck off in there & we can count how many seconds it takes to reach the bottom.
Bob- That's a good idea, what we got layin around?
Zeke- Well, don't see nothin much but that old transmission there, help me get it up & over to the hole.
So the boys pick the transmission up & throw it over into the hole. But right away a goat comes tear assin outta the bushes & dives head 1st into the hole!
Bob- Hey! Did you see that!
Zeke - Sure did! What you reckon come over that goat to cause him to dive off into that hole like that?
Bob- Beats me!
About this time an old farmer makes his way into the clearing to talk to Bob & Zeke.
Farmer- Hey there! You boys been a huntin?
Bob- Sure have!
Farmer - Have any luck?
Zeke- Nossir, aint seen any game at all today.
Farmer- Say, maybe yall can help me. I got a goat round heres someplace I can't seem to lay my hands on. Seen one today?
Bob- Well sir since you mention it, we seen a goat just a few min ago. He come tear assin outta them bushes yonder & dove head 1st into this hole here.
Farmer- Was he a white goat w/ brown spots?
Zeke- Sure was, That's him alright! Plumb unusual behavior!
The farmer pulls on his chin whiskers for a few moments while pondering this info the boys have given him, then says: "Well I appreciate the help but I don't think that was my goat, I had my goat chained to an OLD TRANSMISSION"!

[Gast]

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, live in Arkansas.
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.
He walks into the house and says to his wife ‘Notice anything different about me?’
Margaret looks him over, ‘Nope.’
Frustrated, Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.
Again, he asks, a little louder this time ‘Notice anything different NOW?’
Margaret looks up and says, ‘Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.’
Furious, Bert yells, AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?
‘Nope’ she replies.
‘IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!’ Bert yells.
To which Margaret replies…”Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.”
Sometimes you just can't win!

[Gast]

SAVE THE DATE, EBT CARDS ACCEPTED OR "INTERNET PURCHASED" ID CARDS !

Monday, July 25, 2016

11:15 AM

Free lunch, medical marijuana, and bus ride to the Convention Center

12:45 PM

Ritual Burning of the U.S. Flag

1:30 PM

Pledge of Allegiance to The United Nations

Led by Bernie Sanders

1:45 PM

Forms distributed for mass Food Stamp enrollment.

2:00 PM

Toward a Better Life with Sharia and High Explosives

Led by C.A.I.R. Executive Director

Group Voter Registration for Illegal Aliens.

3:15 PM

Address on "Being the Real You"

Rachel Dolezal, former Head of the Seattle NAACP and

Caitlyn Jenner

4:30 PM

"How to Bank $200 Million as a

public Servant and claim to be broke"

Hillary Clinton

4:45 PM

How to have a successful career

without ever holding a job, and

still avoid paying taxes!

A Seminar Moderated by Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson

5:00 PM

Medals of Freedom presentation to

Army deserter Bo Bergdahl

for serving with Uncommon Dishonor and Disgrace

National Security Advisor Susan Rice

5:30 PM

Invitation-only Autograph Session

Souvenir photographs of Hillary and

Chelsea dodging Sniper Fire in Bosnia

6:30 PM

General vote on praising Baltimore rioters,

and on using the terminology

"Alternative Shoppers" instead of "Looters"

7:30 PM

Breakout session with Bill Clinton

for women on avoiding the upcoming draft

and engaging in amoral behavior in public office

8:30 PM

The White House "Semantics Committee" Meeting

General vote on re-branding "Muslim Terrorism" as

"Random Acts of Islamic Pride and Over-Exuberance"

9:00 PM

"Left Wing Bias in Media" How we can make it work for you!

Tutorial sponsored by CBS, NBC, ABC, CNN, PBS,

the Washington Post and the New York Times

with Guest Speaker, Brian Williams

9:15 PM

Tribute Film to the Brave Freedom Fighters

still incarcerated at GITMO

Michael Moore

9:45 PM

Personal Finance Seminar -

"Businesses Don't Create Jobs"

Hillary Clinton

11:00 PM

Short film, "Setting Up Your Own Illegal

Email Server While Serving in A

Cabinet Post and Avoiding Federal Prosecution"

Hosted by Hillary Clinton

11:30 PM

Official Coronation of Hillary and Washing Her Feet

Bill Maher and Chris Matthews

[Gast]

Q: Have you heard about McDonald’s new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.

As an airplane is about to crash,

a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces,

"If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." S

he removes all her clothing and asks,

"Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says,

"Here, iron this!".

[Gast]

A man and a woman are sleeping together when suddenly there is a noise in the house,

and the woman rolls over and says, "It's my husband, you have to leave!"

The man jumps out of bed, jumps through the window, crawls through the bushes, and out on the street, when he realizes something.

He goes back to the house and says to the woman,

"Wait, I'm your husband!"

She replies giving him a dirty look, "So why did you run?"

[mwe]

[Gast]

That a moron.

https://www.google.de/?gws_rd=ssl#q=youtube+that%27s+a+moron

 

[Boule]

The new Priest was so nervous at his first mass that he could hardly speak. Before the second week in the pulpit he asked the bishop how he could relax. The Bishop said, "Next week, put some vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips, everything should run smoothly."

The next Sunday, the new priest put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm and felt just great. Upon returning to the rectory, however, he found a note from the Bishop...

 

1. Next time sip, rather than gulp.
2. There are 10 Commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 Disciples, not 10.
4. David slew Goliath, he didn't kick the shit out of him.
5. We do not refer to Jesus Christ and his Apostles as "J.C. and the gang."
6. Next week there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy.
7. We do not refer to the cross as "The Big T."
8. We do not refer to the Father, Son and the Holy Ghost as "Big Daddy, Lad and the Spook."
9. The recommended way of saying grace is not Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, Yea God!"
10. Jesus said,"Take this and eat it, for it is my body, "he did not say,
    "Eat me."
11. Jesus was Consecrated, NOT constipated
12. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
13. And last but not least, it is the "Virgin Mary," not "Mary with the cherry"

[Gast]

Dear Friends:        
I have the distinguished honor of being a member of the Committee to raise $50,000,000 for a monument to Hillary R. Clinton. We  originally wanted to put her on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough room for her two faces. We then decided to erect a statue of Hillary in the Washington, D.C. Hall of Fame.  
We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed.  It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie or beside Barack Hussein Obama, who never told the truth, since Hillary could never tell the difference. We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest Democrat of them all. He left not knowing where he was going, and when he got there he did not know where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on someone else's money.     
Thank you, Hillary R. Clinton Monument Committee
  P.S. The Committee has raised $2.16 so far.

[Gast]

No Joke, this time, but still hillarious:

this is the way to fight back against government stupidity.
http://www.theblaze.com/stories/2016...ty-goes-viral/

"One couple’s tongue-in-cheek reply to a state agency’s request for access to their property has gone viral across social media.

Larry and Amanda Anderson received the formal request from the Oregon Department of Fish and Wildlife last month. The reason given by the state for requesting access to “survey the creek on your property” was to look for the “foothill yellow-legged frog.”
According to the letter, ODFW is concerned with declining numbers of the frog’s population.

After considering the request, late last week the Andersons sent a detailed reply to the state agency.

The letter does grant permission for the state to enter the property and survey the creek. However, it also included a litany of requirements needed to be completed (permits, vehicle inspections, stamps, etc.) before any representative would be allowed on the property.

Additionally, once the permits, stamps and inspections had been satisfied, the letter went on to list the only kind of “survey gear” allowed to be used in capturing the frogs, mandating the nets be “made of 100% organic cotton netting with no longer than an 18″ handle.”

Read the transcribed response:


Dear Mr. Niemela:

Thank you for your inquiry regarding accessing our property to survey for the yellow-legged frog. We may be able to help you out with this matter.

We have divided our 2.26 acres into 75 equal survey units with a draw tag for each unit. Application fees are only $8.00 per unit after you purchase the “Frog Survey License” ($120.00 resident / $180.00 Non-Resident). You will also need to obtain a “Frog Habitat” parking permit ($10.00 per vehicle). You will also need an “Invasive Species” stamp ($15.00 for the first vehicle and $5.00 for each add’l vehicle) You will also want to register at the Check Station to have your vehicle inspected for non-native plant life prior to entering our property. There is also a Day Use fee, $5.00 per vehicle.

If you are successful in the Draw you will be notified two weeks in advance so you can make necessary plans and purchase your “Creek Habitat” stamp. ($18.00 Resident / $140.00 Non-Resident). Survey units open between 8am and 3pm but you cannot commence survey until 9am and must cease all survey activity by 1pm.

Survey Gear can only include a net with a 2″ diameter made of 100% organic cotton netting with no longer than an 18″ handle, non-weighted and no deeper than 6′ from net frame to bottom of net. Handles can only be made of BPA-free plastics or wooden handles. After 1pm you can use a net with a 3″ diameter if you purchase the “Frog Net Endorsement” ($75.00 Resident / $250 Non-Resident). Any frogs captured that are released will need to be released with an approved release device back into the environment unharmed.

As of June 1, we are offering draw tags for our “Premium Survey” units and application is again only $8.00 per application. However, all fees can be waives if you can verify “Native Indian Tribal rights and status.

You will also need to provide evidence of successful completion of “Frog Surveys and You” comprehensive course on frog identification, safe handling practices, and self-defense strategies for frog attacks. This course is offered online through an accredited program for a nominal fee of $750.00.

Please let us know if we can be of assistance to you. Otherwise, we decline access to our property but appreciate your inquiry.

Sincerely,

Larry & Amanda Anderson"

[Gast]

definately NOT a Joke:

JUST A SIMPLE SOLDIER

He was getting old and paunchy and his hair was falling fast
And he sat around the Legion telling stories of the past,
Of a war that he had fought in and the deeds that he had done
In his exploits with his buddies; they were heroes, everyone.

And ‘tho sometimes to his neighbors, his tales became a joke,
All his buddies listened, for they knew whereof he spoke.
But we’ll hear his tales no longer, for old Bob has passed away
And the world’s a little poorer, for a soldier died today.

No, he won’t be mourned by many, just his children and his wife,
For he lived an ordinary, very quiet sort of life,
He held a job and raised a family, quietly going on his way;
And the world won’t note his passing; ‘tho a soldier died today.

When politicians leave this earth, their bodies lie in state,
While thousands note their passing and proclaim that they were great,
Papers tell of their life stories from the time that they were young,
But the passing of a soldier goes unnoticed, and unsung.

Is the greatest contribution to the welfare of our land
Some jerk who breaks his promise and cons his fellow man?
Or the ordinary fellow who in times of war and strife
Goes off to serve his Country and offers up his life?

The politician’s stipend and the style in which he lives
Are sometimes disproportionate to the services that he gives,
While the ordinary soldier, who offered up his all,
Is paid off with a medal, and perhaps a pension small.

It’s so easy to forget them, for it was so long ago
That our Bob’s and Jim’s and Johnny’s went to battle, but we know
It was not the politicians, with their compromise and ploys,
Who won for us the freedom that our country now enjoys.

Should you find yourself in danger with your enemies at hand,
Would you really want some cop-out with his ever-waffling stand?
Or would you want a soldier who has sworn to defend
His home, his kin, and country, and would fight until the end?

He was just a common soldier and his ranks are growing thin
But his presence should remind us, we may need his like again.
For when countries are in conflict, then we find the soldier’s part
Is to clean up all the troubles that the politicians start.

If we cannot do him honor while he’s here to hear the praise,
Then at least let’s give him homage at the ending of his days.
Perhaps a simple headline in the paper that might say:
OUR COUNTRY IS IN MOURNING, FOR A SOLDIER DIED TODAY.

 

[Schleifalot]

Amen Brother

[Gast]

A guy comes into the Ft Myers Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee." 

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

 

The interviewer says, "That will give you five extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles." 

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service! Well, that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m.  You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan to to start at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.  No point in you coming in for that." 

[Gast]

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears , the only thing missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European leagues,
but he couldn't find a ringer who could insure a Super Bowl win. Then one night watching FOX news he saw a war zone scene in the west bank. In the scene he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15 story window from 100yards away. KaBoom!! He threw another grenade right into a chimney from 75yds away, Ka Blooey!
Then he threw another at a passing car going over 90mph, Bullseye! "I've got to get this guy" the Coach said to himself, "He has the perfect arm". So he brings him to the states, teaches him the great game of football, and the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl. The young man is hailed as the MVP of the game. When the Coach asked him what he wants, he says all he wants to do is call his Mom. "Mom", he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl !"  "I don't want to talk to you" ,the old woman said, "you are not my son !" "I don't think you understand Mother", the young man pleaded  "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world, I'm here among thousands of adoring fans". "No, let me tell you", his Mom retorts "At this very moment there are gunshots going on all around us, the neighborhood is a pile of rubble, your 2 brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives, and I have to keep your sister locked up in her room so she doesn't get raped", the old lady pauses and tearfully says.
"I'll never forgive you for making us move to Chicago".

[Gast]

Bill Clinton is out jogging around in some of the seedier areas of Washington D.C.

He notices a good looking prostitute. She sees him and calls out, “Fifty dollars!”
He's tempted, but the price is a little high so he calls back, “Five!”
She's disgusted and turns away while Bill continues his jog.

A few days later, he finds himself jogging in the same area and as luck would have it, the prostitute is still there.

But she won't come down on her price. “Fifty!” she shouts.
Bill answers her, “Five!” No sale.
About a week later, Hillary has decided that she wants to get into shape so she demands to go jogging with Bill.

They get to the seedy part of town and the same prostitute is still there.

She eyes Bill and Hillary together and yells, “See what you get for five dollars!”