Jokes

[Gast]

Three ladies are playing the 4th hole at a members-only golf club, when a naked man, wearing a bag over his head, jumps from the trees and runs across the green.

The 3 ladies look and are in shock at the size of his manhood.
The first lady says, ”Well he definitely is not my husband.”
The second lady looks at his manhood and says, “He for sure is not my husband.”
The third lady takes a good look and says, "He's not even a member of this club!”

[Gast]

Two ladies teed off at the country club and on thier way to the 2nd tee, one of them got stung by a bee. Rathered annoyed by the incident the ladies spotted the club pro on the course. They went over to where he was and told him that something needed to be done about the bee problem.

He asked her where she got stung. She replied, "between the first and second hole."

He replied, "What did you do? Sit on it?"

[Gast]

[Gast]

http://idleevening.com/top-soccer-shootout-ever

[JuergenG]

A man was telling his buddy,"You won't believe what happened last night... My daughter walked into the living room and said, ‘Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget my college tuition loan, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window; take my TV, and my laptop. Please take all of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then, sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then, disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write meout of your will and leave my share to any charity you choose.’ "

"Holy Smokes," replied the friend, "she actually said that?"

"Well, she didn't put it quite like that, she actually said...

Dad, meet my new boyfriend - Mohammed. We're going to work together on Hillary's election campaign."

[Gast]

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,

'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'

He addressed the man, 'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers, that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.. She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco

and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo- ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men.... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.

The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'

Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'

Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me..' So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00AM. Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

[JuergenG]

My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, 'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, 'THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week! .........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, 'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'
I should be out of the hospital soon and am expected to make a full recovery.

[Gast]

Two close friends meet in Heaven.

SYLVIA: Hi Wanda!

WANDA: Hi Sylvia! How'd you die?

SYLVIA: I froze to death.

WANDA: How horrible!

SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful

death. What about you?

WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

SYLVIA: So, what happened?

WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer ---we'd both still be alive.

[Greg]

How can You safe a lawyer from drawning?

Take Your foot from his neck, but think twice before You do so!

Bearbeitet 9. Februar 2015 von Gregor6712

[Gast]

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into the tailpipe.. Nothing happened.. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, 'What are you doing?' The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.'

[Gast]

Heart warming lawyer story

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!"
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."
C'mon...did you really think there was such a thing as a heart warming lawyer story???

[Greg]

What is similar when You compare women brests and a model railway?

Both are originaly designed for kids, but newadays only adult play with it.

[Gast]

Guess her age.

A middle aged woman spends $5000 for a face lift and feels pretty good about herself. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am
About 32, was the reply.
I'm exactly 47, the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
She replies, I guess maybe... about 29
The woman replies, Nope, I'm 47.
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, Oh, I'd say... 30.
Again she proudly responds, I am 47, but thank you.
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same question.
He replies, Lady, I'm sorry, I'm 78 and my eyesight is not so good. Although..., when I was young, there was a sure fire way to tell how old a lady was. It may sound a little forward, but it requires me put my hands under your bra. I could then tell you exactly how old you are.
They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of her.
She finally blurts out, Oh what the hell, go ahead.
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and inside her bra and begins to feel around very slowly, very carefully. He Lifts one breast then the other and holds each and touches and caresses each breast...
After a couple of minutes, she said, Okay, okay,... that's enough, how old am I
He completes one last squeeze and removes his hands, Madam, you are exactly 47 years old.
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, That was incredible,... how did you know
He replied, I was in line behind you at McDonald's.

[JuergenG]

"If Ronald Reagan was still the President, ISIS would now be WASWAS"

[Gast]

A very respected Captain in the Foreign Legion was transferred to a remote desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old seedy looking camel tied out behind the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "Why is a camel tied to the barracks?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do ... uh ... we have the camel ready for them.” The Captain said, "Well, I suppose if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me”.
After he had been stationed at the fort for six long, lonely months, the Captain simply couldn't control his sexual angst any longer. He barked to his Sergeant, "Bring the camel to my tent!” The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders, looked at the other men, and lead the camel into the Captain's quarters. Within a few minutes, the Captain emerged from his tent, fastening his trousers, almost beaming with pride. "So, Sergeant, is that how the enlisted men do it?" he asked. The Sergeant replied, "Well, sir, usually they just use it to ride into town."

[Gast]

4 friends (Ladies) meet 30 years after school at reunion.....
One goes to take food while the other 3 start to talk about how successful their sons became.
No. 1 says her son studied economics, became a banker and is so rich, he gave his best friend a ferrari.
No. 2 said her son became a pilot, started his own airline became so rich, he gave his best friend a jet.
No. 3 said her son became an engineer, started his own development company became so rich, he build his best friend a castle.
No 4. came back with a plate full of food and asked what the buzz is about. They told her they were talking about how successful their sons became and asked her about her son.
She said her son is gay and he works in a Gay Bar.
The other 3 said she must be very disappointed with her son for not becoming successful. " Oh no !! " said the Lady, he is doing good. " Last week on his birthday he got a ferrari, a jet and a castle from 3 of his boyfriends..." .

The other 3 Ladies fainted ....

[Balu der Bär]

[Gast]

A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear. Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.
One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff.
The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
The Master Chief answered, "Why yes. I couldn't help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side."
The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.
The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes, you seem to be short one ear."
The Admiral threw him out also.
The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question.
"Do you notice anything different about me?"
To his surprise the Sergeant Major said, "Yes. You wear contact lenses."
The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked.

The Sergeant Major replied, "Well sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one (bleeping) ear."

[Gast]

.

Bearbeitet 25. Mai 2015 von Gast

[Gast]

Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughters

Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and toot your horn you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:

You will not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her briefly, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter's body, I will remove them. Surgically.

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loose that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, in a quest to be open-minded about this issue, I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am that barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for a film, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process akin to painting the Brooklyn Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car or mowing the lawn?

Rule Eight.

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Films with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided completely; films which features chain saws are okay. Baseball matches are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. I may appear to you to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, all-seeing merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have but one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a .45, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean my guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter passwords in a clear voice – “I have brought your daughter home safely and early” - then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside.

The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

[Gast]

Words to live by

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer:"I would not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we can not live forever, which is why I would
not live forever." Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest. She won.
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I would love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." Mariah Carey
"Smoking kills. If you are killed you have lost a very important part of your life". Brook Shields, during an interview to become a spokesperson for a Federal anti smoking campaign.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country". Mayor Marion Barry, Washington DC
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass and I am just the one to do it." A congressional candidate in Texas.
"Half this game is 90% mental." Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark.
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." Dan Quayle.
"We have to pause and ask ourselves:How much clean air do we need?"
Lee Iacocca.
"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." Joe Thiesman, NFL quarterback.
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart though out the night. And the next morning, when they wakeup dead, there will be a record." Mark S Fowler, FCC Chairman.

[Gast]

BRITISH HUMOUR IS DIFFERENT

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY !
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE ..
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is... ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly."If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"

[Gast]

PORTLAND, OREGON - Members of P.E.T.A. (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) have successfully lobbied to outlaw outdoor barbeques within city limits and suburbs of Portland, Oregon. The ban was based on a P.E.T.A. claim that the smell of cooking flesh is highly offensive and no one should be forced to endure the fumes from what they call "a crime worse than the Holocaust."

Under the new law, individuals caught cooking meat outdoors can face a $2,000 fine or one day in jail.

Shortly after the ruling was passed with a 6 to 1 vote, the animal rights activists marched through residential areas in a "victory parade," shaming residents with the collective chanting of slogans, amplified by their megaphones: "You are all thoughtless supporters of the animal Holocaust" and "Stop burning the flesh of your murder victims over hot coals."

The group has spent the past few months patrolling neighborhoods and protesting outdoor grilling by raiding family picnics and outdoor gatherings, while screaming "murderers" and "animals deserve justice" at the families and individuals who have been caught cooking meat. In most cases the activists dumped water on lit barbeques and confiscated the meat with the purpose of giving it what they called a "proper burial."

"I used to break down in uncontrollable fits of crying every time I smelled the animal flesh cooking," said Susie Townley, one of the P.E.T.A. activists present at the ruling. "Not being able to order people around on their own property kept me from living my life the way I wanted to. It made me feel powerless."

To make sure the anti-barbecue law would have no opposition, the animal rights group threatened to drive around neighborhoods with paintball guns and unload on anyone they found cooking meat outdoors. Under this threat, the City Council caved and passed the law to avoid the potential violence.

"Now we can all live free from the stench of oppression," said Townley. "I am so happy we can finally tell families what they can and cannot do on their private property. This is what it should mean to live in a free country."

[Gast]

G 36

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=fFZlXYjcFyc

[Gast]

PORTLAND, OREGON - Members of P.E.T.A. (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) have successfully lobbied to outlaw outdoor barbeques within city limits and suburbs of Portland, Oregon. The ban was based on a P.E.T.A. claim that the smell of cooking flesh is highly offensive and no one should be forced to endure the fumes from what they call "a crime worse than the Holocaust."

Under the new law, individuals caught cooking meat outdoors can face a $2,000 fine or one day in jail.

Shortly after the ruling was passed with a 6 to 1 vote, the animal rights activists marched through residential areas in a "victory parade," shaming residents with the collective chanting of slogans, amplified by their megaphones: "You are all thoughtless supporters of the animal Holocaust" and "Stop burning the flesh of your murder victims over hot coals."

The group has spent the past few months patrolling neighborhoods and protesting outdoor grilling by raiding family picnics and outdoor gatherings, while screaming "murderers" and "animals deserve justice" at the families and individuals who have been caught cooking meat. In most cases the activists dumped water on lit barbeques and confiscated the meat with the purpose of giving it what they called a "proper burial."

"I used to break down in uncontrollable fits of crying every time I smelled the animal flesh cooking," said Susie Townley, one of the P.E.T.A. activists present at the ruling. "Not being able to order people around on their own property kept me from living my life the way I wanted to. It made me feel powerless."

To make sure the anti-barbecue law would have no opposition, the animal rights group threatened to drive around neighborhoods with paintball guns and unload on anyone they found cooking meat outdoors. Under this threat, the City Council caved and passed the law to avoid the potential violence.

"Now we can all live free from the stench of oppression," said Townley. "I am so happy we can finally tell families what they can and cannot do on their private property. This is what it should mean to live in a free country."

The last sentence tells the whole crazyness of these U.S. Greens