Jokes

[Gast]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now.. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun.
You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith..
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement..
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate,
and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in..'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes... Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.
It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted.

[JuergenG]

Good one!

[Gast]

I read this in german on Motor-Talk before, but this is a good joke - everytime

[Gast]

Ole the Norwegian Wrestler

A Russian and Ole the Norwegian wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished. Ole nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen..

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match. The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded.

When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!" Ole answered, "Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face...I had nuttin' to lose so wid my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could."

So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!" "Vel not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own nuts!"

[Gast]

I worked in a delicatessen and always had an urge to put my dick in the pickle slicer, so one day I did. I told my wife about it when I got home. She gasped and asked what happened. I said I got fired. She says..... no, I mean with the pickle slicer. Oh, I said....she got fired too.

[Gast]

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned
to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike
up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God,
or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which
the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?"

And then she went back to reading her book.

[Gast]

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work. His wife begins screaming at him while his friend just sits and listens. "My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done. I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why did you bring him unannounced to our home?"

"Because he's thinking of getting married."

[Gast]

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing..'

The doctor was shocked!
'You asked your neighbour?'
The old man replied,
Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

[Gast]

A young distraught woman was standing on the dock in New York getting ready to jump, when a handsome stranger appeared in a uniform and said "Don't jump, you have so much to live for!!"
He says further "I'll tell you what, I'm a sailor and we're leaving for Italy in the morning, if agree not to jump, I'll stow you away on the boat! I'll see you get food and drink, I'll make sure you are happy!!"
She mulls it over, and always wanting to have seen Italy she agrees......
So he sneaks her on board in the dark and secrets her in a small compartment, where he as good as his word brings her food and wine and makes love to her every single night.
Three weeks later the Captain discovers her during a routine inspection and asks "What are doing in here?"
She explains, "One of your sailors stowed me away promising to take me to Italy, He has been brining me food and wine!" The Captain says "Is that so!"
She then says somewhat embarrassed .........."Well, He has also been screwing me!!!!!"
The Captain starts laughing hysterically and says....................................
"I'd say so!...................................... This is the Staten Island Ferry!!!!!!!!"

[Gast]

Wise Italian Grandfather

An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ...38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "?

[Gast]

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what

are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said

there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

The doctor's office erupted in laughter.

[Gast]

Wingsuiter meets his maker

http://safeshare.tv/w/kLlmcNCGBk

[Gast]

"Husband down in Aisle 5!"

A supermarket store manager hears that over the intercom and sprints to the scene to find an employee standing over the bleeding and unconscious body of a man.

"What happened?" the manager asks.

"Well," the employee says, "It was like this: they were going along peaceful-like and the husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."

"And this is as far as the guy made it, here in Aisle 5."

[Gast]

Glorious insults

Here are some insults which may leave the recipient speechless, until he figures them out.


*These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got
boiled down to 4-letter words.*


* A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on
the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."

"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your
policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr*

*· "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill*

*· "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with
great pleasure." Clarence Darrow*

*· "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader
to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
.*
*· "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time
reading it." - Moses Hadas*

*· "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I
approved of it." - Mark Twain*

*· "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." -
Oscar Wilde*

*· "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play;
bring a friend, if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston
Churchill*

*· "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... if
there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.*


*· "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you
here." - Stephen Bishop*

*· "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright*


*· "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing
trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb*

*· "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in
others." - Samuel Johnson*


*· "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating*

*· "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded
easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand*


*· "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker*

*· "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address
on it?" - Mark Twain*


*· "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae
West*

*· "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
- Oscar Wilde*


*· "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for
support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)*

*· "He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder*

*· "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -
Groucho Marx *

*Wit makes its own welcome, and levels all distinctions. No dignity, no
learning, no force of character, can make any stand against good
wit. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

[Gast]

http://www.tickld.com/x/the-best-amazon-review-ever-this-man-is-hilarious

Be sure you have a napkin at hand

[Gast]

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM
DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

3. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."

5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

7. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax." (My favorite)

8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."

10. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."

12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."

14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."

15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."

16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

19. "My fiancee and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

BE AWARE .. THEY WALK AMONG US .. and THEY VOTE DEMOCRAT!

[Gast]

Shit you see on the range:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4g5p6b-ZZ5Y&feature=youtu.be

[Gast]

[Gast]

Aircraft maintenance log:

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one:

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a gripe sheet, which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident....

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget

[Gast]

A big burly Texan walks into a crowded New York city bar carring a saddle bag. He walks up to the bartender and asks, " If I show you the most amazing thing you ever saw, can I get a free beer"?

"Well" sez the bartender, "you show me what's so amazing and I'll decide if it's worth a free beer."

The Texan reaches in the saddle bag and pulls out a snap'n turtle, unzips his fly, pulls out his privates and lets the turtle snap right on.

He stands there for several minutes with the turtle just hang'n on.

Pretty soon he takes two fingers and carefully but abruptly pokes the turtle in the eyes and the turtle lets go. Texan puts the turtle back in the saddle bag & zips his pants up.

The Texan turns to the bartender and says, "Does that get me a free beer"?

The bartender is totally blown away by what he just saw and how tuff this guy must be. (as is everyone else in the bar)---He tells the Texan that he can drink all night for free.

After several hours of drinking the Texan turns around and hollers at the crowd, "Anybody else wanna try this"?

Squirelly little guy from of the back of the bar walks up and says, "I will, ya big savage, as long as ya don't poke me in the eyes".

[Gast]

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 60 !

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

[Schleifalot]

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance. Particularly in the Hair & Make-up applications, which operated flawlessly under Girlfriend 5.0.

In addition, Wife 1.0 un-installed several valuable programs, such as Bar-Maid 8 and Hot Food 3.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as, PMS X, Trashman 6 and Honey Do List Maker 7.5.

Spontaneity 4 no longer runs and Fallatio 8.0 crashes the system.

I've tried running Ex-Girlfriend 2.5 to fix these problems, but that only made it worse.

What can I do?
Signed, Desperate

==================================

Dear Desperate,

First, keep in mind that Girlfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Wife 1.0 is an Operating System.

Try entering the command:
C:/IDOCAREABOUTYOURFEELINGS to start Conversation 8.2.
WARNING: Conversation 8.2 will install Emotions 6.5. This is Open Source software. Read the Terms of Service carefully before you begin installation.

If Conversation 8.2 works as designed, Wife 1.0 should then automatically run the restoration program and Make-Up Sex 7 should be available.

If Conversation 8.2 fails to correct the issue, you may need to purchase additional upgrages, such as Jewelry 2.0 and/or Flowers 3.5 then retry.

CAUTION: Porn Pro is not recommended for use with Wife 1.0 and increases the risk of virus and infection from mal-ware applications.

CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-In-Law. This is not a supported application and will void your Wife 1.0 warranty.

Good luck, Tech Support

[Gast]

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
"So what do you think about that Doc?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season."

One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."

"As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.


He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."
"Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

"Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said ,
"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied , "My point exactly."

[Gast]

I was reading a wee article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first drink. Off we went to our local pub, which is only two blocks from the house.
I got him a Guinness Stout. He didn't like it – so I drank it.
Then I got him a Smithwicks, he didn't like it either, so I drank it.
It was the same with the Harp and the Flowers.
By the time we got down to trying the Irish whiskey . . .
I could hardly push the stroller back home.

[Gast]

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech, and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he was introduced to a United States Marine Corps General. As they talked, the Iranian said, "I have just one question about what I have seen in America ."The General said, "Well, is there anything I can do to help?" The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show called 'Star Trek' and in it there is... Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black, and Sulu who is Japanese, but there are NO Muslims. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians, or Pakistanis on 'Star Trek'.
"The General leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador, and whispered in his ear, "That's because it takes place in the future..."